crying........

[Tangled Web]

I want to give some background before getting into what I want to say.
Feelings for me have never been ok for different reasons. I am not accustomed to feeling much of anything. I do get twinges now and then but they can easily be shut down. Anger is one feeling I am generally comfortable feeling. Tears and crying on the other hand has NEVER been ok. Sometimes I try to allow myself to feel something and have been working on that with T and alone........every time I do end up feeling something I am shocked by how it makes me feel and how it changes from what it was to what is now. Like something going from being no big deal and feeling absolutely nothing about to feeling something.
Any ways, the way T usually works for us is that we email her things and she prints them off and we talk about them the next time we see her. That seems to work well for us. Well yesterday we went there and sat down and before we got started she asked me how the move went. I think I said something like it went....and she asked me if I just wanted to get right into the emails or talk about the move, well I chose the emails. So we started talking and then she stops. Dead in her tracks in mid thought she just stops. She looks at me and says I think we should talk about the move. I was surprised. She says that something is going on there and the tears just started to fall out of my eyes. Without any warning to me, they just fell. I had absolutely no control what so ever. I couldn't push them away, I couldn't shut anything down, I couldn't make them stop falling. Absolutely NOTHING I tried made them stop. Those tears fell out of my eyes for over an hour. It felt like I had lost total control. It felt like I was losing my mind. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. My T was wonderful and was trying so hard to understand what was going on but it is hard to explain something when you don't understand yourself. And you lose your words and can't talk anymore. At one point the only words I was able to say was "I don't know." over and over again. I felt like a revolving door that was spinning so fast out of control. I couldn't stop it. Nothing has ever happened to me like that before in my life. I have never sat anywhere for over an hour and just cried like that. I am still in shock. I can't explain anything. It just happened.
I guess what concerns me most about this whole thing is the lack of control. I know I was in a safe place this time with my T but what if it happens again and I am at work or out somewhere? What if I lose control then? That can't happen. It really can't happen.
I just realized something.....things would have been different if this was my choice. If I chose to let that happen in her office the outcome of how I feel now would be much different because it was a choice. That would mean I still had control. But because this just happened and I couldn't control it .....it terrifies me. I feel I don't have as much control as I thought and it could happen again.
Do people understand? Does any of this make any sense? Has anyone else ever felt like this?