Struggling and Need Encouragement

[MakersDozn]

I'm struggling. More than I have been in a long time, and it hurts. The others remind me to state that we're safe, which we are. But I feel absolutely horrible.

I'll try to explain without going into the history of it all. That's probably a distraction from the real issue, which is me being overwhelmed by feelings. (The last sentence sounds so rational that I'm afraid that people won't believe that I feel overwhelmed.)

I am an adult that feels unable to function as an adult. I want to do the right thing for everyone inside. But I feel hopelessly stuck on feelings of sadness, anger, and resentment over not having had the childhood that I wanted and needed.

I can't let go of the pain I felt throughout those years, and a part of me doesn't want to let go of it. A part of me insists on magical thinking and wants to remain entrenched in this position until I get what I want. And I'm not getting what I want. I'm only getting more misery.

It's imperative to our collective well-being that I work these issues through. I've stepped back from my adult responsibility, my responsibility to our system, 17 years ago because I couldn't handle it all. Back then I was overwhelmed simply by the fact that we were becoming known to each other, and our count had nearly tripled. Even though I'm only 25, I've always seen myself in a "motherly" role, and I just couldn't handle being responsible for the well-being of so many people.

If I felt overwhelmed 17 years ago, when we were only at that stage of our collective and individual healing, is it possible to imagine how overwhelmed I feel now, now that we know so much more about ourselves and each other, and about life? I can't possibly explain how overwhelmed I feel now.

But I have to move forward, because our well-being depends on my doing so. Our T tries to encourage the others not to expect more of me than I feel I'm ready to handle now. I appreciate that. But there's no getting around the fact that I have to start acting like an adult now.

I want to go to bed and never get out from under the covers again. I want us all to be well and happy. I want to hide in the pain that I fear losing, because being out in the world means being vulnerable and constantly feeling alone and isolated. I want to be the me that I've always envisioned, but I'm overwhelmed by the me that I am.

Charity