"I'm Sorry You Feel That Way"

[MakersDozn]

Thanks for taking the time to respond so thoroughly. We asked about your work situation mostly out of curiosity, knowing that your situation is different from the type of scenario that we originally posted about. In your work, the people you encounter are clearly upset by things that are beyond your control and have little to do with you personally. So it makes sense that to do your job well, and take care of yourselves while doing so, you need to step back and not take the other person's feelings personally.

However, this is not the kind of situation we originally posted about, where the source of conflict directly involves both people. We'll give an example that is a composite of various incidents between our mother (now deceased) and us.

We say or do something in her presence that we clearly did not intend to be amusing, and she reacts by laughing at us.

Us: Please don't laugh at me. I feel very upset when you do that. It feels humiliating to be laughed at.

Mother: Well, that's your perception.

The phrase "that's your perception" was our mother's variation of "I'm sorry you feel that way." She didn't even pretend to be sorry. She refused to admit that her actions had any effect on us. So we would leave these situations feeling unheard, invalidated, and very angry. These feelings remain with us today, and we struggle to work through them and resolve them.

We hope that this clarifies why we believe that the two types of situations are very different. It frustrates us that the whole issue is so complicated. And we wish there was some foolproof response that we could have ready for people that would get them to understand why their words can be hurtful even if/when they don't intend them to be that way.

Thanks again,

MDs