Therapy/connection

[Tangled Web]

I have done something that I am seriously doubting. I took a huge risk.
We have abandonment issues and I am sure it has to with our mother leaving when we were very small and not wanting us. Well it probably started there.
We have been seeing our current T for 1 year now and have been working hard at building a trusting relationship with her. We have had set backs as expected along the way but have been able to work through them, I think. We like our T. I do feel we have finally found the right T to do the work we need to do. We have started to get closer and closer to the past. We have never ever talked about specific details of our past to anyone……..
So in our last session, I am not sure how the topic came up but she said to me, that normally it takes approx. 3-5 years to deal with past trauma. Well in hearing that I just froze. It felt like a wall came up. It took a lot of thinking and searching to figure out what had happened and why it made me feel like I felt. I keep thinking that I should be thinking, that is good news…..it will take 3-5 years and there is an end in sight. That should make me happy, but it didn’t.
All I could think about was in 3-5 years she is going to leave me. I will be done “healing” and she will leave. I have finally been able to make some kind of a strong connection to someone and it will be broken. Then I got to thinking, well why would I start doing this with her if she is just going to end up leaving me any ways. I don’t want to be done. I don’t want her to leave. Don’t get me wrong or misunderstand what I am saying here……I want to “heal” but I don’t want the reward of healing losing her. Do you understand?
I know there are boundaries and rules and all that other stuff, which I totally respect..and I am not asking her to become a friend or anything and be invited to her house for dinner or anything like that…….I just want her to remain a part of my life. And I am guess I am wondering and asking myself……is that really SO wrong to want that?
So here is where the huge risk comes in…….I sent her an email stating this. OMGosh!!!!!
And now that that thought has sunk in I am sitting here thinking OMG what I have done?