Can't let this GO!!!!!!

[Tangled Web]

I just don’t get it. I have tried so hard to step out of this and look at it from a different perspective but I always come back to the same place. I believed her. I trusted what she said. I took a huge risk having those conversations with her about asking her if it was wrong to want to feel connected and feel like she cared and she said ALL the right things. I believed her, I clarified things and even made it about us……mine and her relationship……. as time went on and she understood. I never open myself up like that. I don’t rely on anyone. I don’t ask for those connections. But this time I wanted it to be different. I have always wanted to know that someone would be there. I wanted to know if it is wrong to want that. I wanted to know if it was wrong to get that. It isn’t like I expect her to be everything to me and ask her to be there ALL the time. I just wanted to know if she wanted to be there if I really, really needed her to be. It isn’t like I don’t know she has life and other clients and stuff like that. I get that! I just didn’t expect her to ask me if I was coming back next week……..like it was ok for me to just walk away her…..walk away from it all and she would just let me GO!!!!!!!! Like I meant absolutely nothing to her. And maybe I was wrong to even think this time it would different. I feel like such a fool. I am going back to see her on Tuesday and she has been made aware of everything. I feel like I have to put this aside and try to figure out another way to do this therapy without feeling the want to have a connection with her. I have to let the “wants” go. That is where my thinking is now once again and it pisses me off soooooooo much. I know we will chat about this on Tuesday but it won’t make a difference right now because I won’t believe a thing she has to say, so what is the point of even talking about it. I don’t want her to defend her words…..I don’t want to hear any excuses. I am so frustrated and ticked off but now I just feel stupid.