best friends

[tweeter]

Been thinking, from a somewhat different, but relevant, point of view.

In school, I remember arguments I witnessed: two little girls in an emotional tug of war, which expanded to include the girl who was the subject of the conflict. They insisted that she choose between the two of them, which one would be The best friend (or a friend at all). To be called a friend or good friend is sufficient.

I haven't used the term "best friend" since grade school, one exception being FM who called me his best friend and so forth. We supported each other, but something went wrong. I later learned that he had a growing # of agendas. It became toxic, as in classic co-dependency. For whatever reasons, there are people who need to be needed, to be in control. It doesn't always start out that way. But life throws a lot of curve balls and sinkers.

A true friend in any capacity can turn into the opposite when the needs of the society, as in today's crumbing civilization, work on chinks in the armor of character. It's happening on a very large scale.
A time when deriving comfort might be best done with a minimum of dependency.

I have more clarity re how I'm viewed by some people I've known. Comes in flashes. I was moved by MDs experience.
My lesson for today is not to expect anyone to see me as I see myself, or as I am (which is probably beyond what I can see some of the time). Self-explanation often doesn't work for me because it doesn't address what is relevant to the other person, who has already made up his/her mind or been influenced by another's opinion. Or, if I was misjudged, the matter might be dropped in a mass of indifference disguised as confusion. In other words, I've been found expendable no matter what I say. The window of opportunity has closed. It hurts to know for myself that I never mattered to someone who means so much to me, and has had an immense effect on my life. I'm going on, but have doubts that I will get over this one (no one else is getting that close), combined with three recent betrayals of long-term friendship, two of them professional relationships affecting my health. Those are the recent ones.

I've written my share of letters. Regretted most of them. The written word fails to communicate what I wish to share. This isn't making it either, but I'm trying.

I take my friendships, few, dwindling, as there are, seriously. I realize degrees of friendship and commitment. What do I need, and want to give in return? I need honesty, respect, and gentleness (even when the honesty has to be a bit rough). Discretion is important.

"Who knows what you really are, and how/when you're vulnerable?" That's one level of trust. Another is being able to depend on a person (to care enough, and to have the time) to make you feel good socially, and to reach out to you.
Sometimes both don't exist in the same person. One might derive comfort and acceptance from someone who isn't privy to it all.

take care,
tweeter