appointment today

[Tangled Web]

She is keeping the purple bear at her office with her. It isn't coming home with us. Oh I wonder if it was supposed to come home with us? I left it there because I didn't think it was only mine. I am not sure about that one. I hope I haven't offended her.

Today I was telling her what things generally mean to me........and I guess we got into how we generally work. That is a scary topic for us because for us it is us giving her ammunition. We told her that talking about the details of what happened to us is what we avoid because it makes things very real for us, then I stopped because it felt so wrong to do that and I asked her if it was wrong to say that and told her why it felt wrong to say that. She thought it was because of the messages I got from my parents about secrets. But I told her well that is part of it but the first part is my defenses and if I tell you things about how we work then you are going to use those things ex. like the details thing...... you are going to ask for details and after you ask the question we will think of the answer and then see it in the mind and then that won't be good. I never realized how protective we were about how we work and in sharing that information with anybody. She understood though because in sharing that information would help her make us vulnerable and when you are vulnerable you can be easily hurt. That made sense to us also. I also realized today that getting past my defenses that we have created is one thing but then there is a whole another level of defenses that my parents created in me by the messages they gave us.

The purple bear definitely had the littler ones come closer and that scared me. I know she believes us, and we really do want her to care and she says she does care and it is a good thing to feel that but it doesn't feel good. It is terrifying.

We have ALWAYS and I mean always kept people away from us, from getting too close. Not to say that people don't feel close to us because they say they do..........it is us not feeling close to them, not at this level. We have always wanted it mind you but when it comes to this point, we stop it from happening. It hurts us to actually believe that someone actually cares........ not sure why but it always has.