Hope vs. Trust?

[The People]

We really get what your T says. Once I attended a talk given by a man. I think he was mostly speaking about the B word but he isn't into labels. He talked about folks like us and how trust usually came in percentages. That made sense to me. He said that when you have been hurt as badly as we have the trust was an ever moving marker. Almost like a thermometer. And if they do one small thing, even without meaning to hurt us, the thermometer drops down.

Question. Do you trust yourselves 100% We don't. So if we cannot even trust ourselves to do the right thing 100% how can we put that number on others. My opinion is that many multiples (people may disagree with me here) have nobody in the A circle. I remember learning a concept in a psych class one time and it just jumped out at me. The very good prof talked about how we often have people in various groups. We are the centrepiece and most people have a few people in there with them. A good spouse, a best friend, kids and grandkids... Then in B are people they work with every day and trust on a general level but not as much as those in the A circle. Then there is the C circle; people we see at church or social occasions where we might say "I lie your dress" "are you still with the same law firm?" or "i'd like to spit on so and so's ugly shoes" (referring to a politician or someone not in the room. If we see them at Safeway we say hello and hold the door for them coming out of the mall. They might work in another area of we are in a large office. I cannot remember if there was a D circle.

Multiples allow few if any people into the A circle. A T perhaps although they most likely don't get 100% either. Some of you were fortunate enough to have family members that were not hurtful and you got through things together. Even then there is a need to tiptoe around some things. But the people who get closest to us only get as far as the B circle. Because it is too scary otherwise.

I happen to like it when someone moves from a C to a B circle. More socializing, more people to talk to. I don't think that even I am in my A circle. However, while I find it sad at times I do not give up hope on my good days. IO know there are people out there who care about me. I have a friend from my B circle visiting from out of town. We worked together and we moved to this city at separate times. We share a lot of opinions and humour and she is comfortable to be around. Comfortable enough that I felt safe enough to visit her a few months ago as she now lives in BC. That gives me hope. That is progress. Because I know that there are others out there like this friend. Some are in the past, some are in the present but life has changed things a bit and hopefully there will be more in the future. No, not hopefully. I am sure there will be. Fear makes me want to leave them in the C circle but hope makes me want them in my B circle. Will anyone ever fully make it into A? I don't know. But if I have enough Bs and my kitties I will be OK

A friend's husband came home from H today after heart surgery. I think there must be a b- circle as they are neither B nor C. We are good to each other but I am not the one they turn to when they need help and they have too much on their own plates to nurture me. But they were my first friends here. So I care a lot about them. However, tonight as I was trying to nap this voice inside me was saying "nobody ever calls to see if I am OK." However, part of me knows that this is by design. When things are too dark I cannot speak enough to explain why things are dark. So while I am sad that I don't have an A team... I am babbling but I hope that what I said made sense.