new developement

[Tangled Web]

Hi Tweets

Is it that not only do you lose ability to verbalize an answer, but that you are aware that the words that were there were erased? It could be that someone inside defensively erased them.

I am more aware of the fact that I should have some kind of reaction or thoughts about what is going on but I don't. I would agree with maybe someone defensively erased them from inside, but EVERYTHING is erased and I don't know anyone inside that has that much power to do that.
I do a lot of processing and figuring things out on my own and analyzing things. Finding the logic to things has become very important to me. But I cannot find any logic when the thoughts are gone and the words generally come from those thoughts. I love the image of the horses finding trust and following her.
My block or whatever it was has lifted now. I now have thoughts and words back and feel somewhat connected to myself again. I have no idea how this happened but I am thankful it has.

For me in face to face relationships I find the non verbal languages really complicates things for us. I guess that is why I prefer to have conversations with people through writing or IMing or texting. It takes away the tones and the non verbal issues. Actually my best friend in my life is someone who I never met face to face in person and we have built a very good friendship through IMing.

With my T in the face to face relationship she appears to be understanding and accepting and her nonverbal language hasn't been an issue thus far. She speaks in neutral tones so it doesn't put us on edge. It took us awhile to get used to her unsureness when she was asking us questions, like she would stumble over her words or not sure if she should say what she was going to say. Or she was worried about phrasing it properly because she was worried that we would take it the wrong way. It was taken at first as a lack of confidence on her part because she didn't seem very definite, but now I guess I can see her as being more human and cautious, which might not necessarily be such a bad thing.

I got a little off topic there, sorry.
I saw my T today. And it is interesting that the conversation I had with her and my friend afterwards had a lot to do with your comment..........
the times of introduction and first followings need to be slow (but not as a tree sloth) and deliberate. Then, maybe the heart can speak, apart from and of its pain.

The process has been started today and I felt like it was going much too slow and I wanted this step to be done with already, but it is necessary to go through it slowly and with every step being taken I realize it is so deliberate and necessary. This time I am able to see what is in front of me and where the next step will take me. I can stand on this step and see what it is I am standing on because I am able to talk to her about it and she is good at listening and understanding. Before I was jumping so far ahead and it was no wonder I didn't know how to get there.
When you say maybe then the heart can speak..........We were talking today about my defenses and how they kick in and we were talking about strength and being vulnerable. So this is what I learned today.........I guess I have always measured my strength in how thick and strong my walls were and how well I was able to keep it all together and handle everything that came my way without showing any signs of weakness in those walls. Vulnerable, being vulnerable in my world is a sign of weakness. Well then I got talking to my friend about your heart. And had this thought, maybe-and this is just a thought-you should measure your strength on how strong your heart is not on how strong your protection around your heart is.
Now that is a very interesting concept. Because when I look at my heart, I see this fragile, weak damaged heart that is protected beyond belief. So protected that I cannot even gain access to it. And it is understandable that it is so fragile and acceptable but imagine if --maybe the heart can speak, apart from and of its pain--and heal, how strong that will make us if the heart can heal. Now that is a completely different way of looking at things. It is amazing to me actually seeing what a strong healthy heart would look like and what a difference that would make to all of us.

So I am not sure if this is where you were going with your post or not but this is what I took from it and I thank you
Emma