new developement

[Tangled Web]

I've been following this thread with interest for a number of reasons. I was waiting for you to supply your own answer, or partial answer, which you did. It can take time. ".....well I guess a part me doesn't,"
Bingo. First, someone doesn't want to speak, maybe can't, but is willing to write. Second thing that comes to mind is whether there are certain words, in the context of a T situation, which cannot be spoken, but can be written, or gotten around more easily in a letter format?

Things are always easier when they are written for us. It seems to have become the safest way to express ourselves and when we are writing, things are so much more clearer and put together and can be understood. We can actually follow a train of thought from start to finish but when we are face to face with someone in a talking mode, we can’t do that. Things go blank and we actually lose the words and thoughts.

An important question is whether only one mode of writing is allowed. Like I write you a letter and you write me a letter, or is instant messaging back and forth okay? These are very different kinds of communication, especially, in terms of immediacy, but both written.

I enjoy instant messaging and it is my preferred way of communicating either through my Yahoo messenger or texting. I also write emails but I like that instant gratification of messaging and not having to wait too long for responses.

Next. Is there a significant difference (complexity of expression, connection to and expression of feelings, the abstract, etc.) between your written and spoken ways?

Well I have been told I am able to write quite well and I express myself quite well in my writings but when speaking I don’t. I write the way I would normally speak but can’t speak the way I write unless I write it out first. I do not really connect to my feelings unless it is anger and I guess I can write about how I am feeling without actually expressing those feelings (hope that makes sense). I don’t speak about feelings very well or connect to what is being said anymore, things just bounce off of me or I state things as facts sometimes with nothing behind it.

Next. Can you find yourself wandering in a maze of feelings, thoughts and associations, which scatter and then come together in one conclusive sentence, or even one word different upon repetition of a given subject matter? I'm talking about ways of thinking specifically when going below the surface of consciousness (my personal interest). The communication inside (for a singleton as well) is not the same. You might require the proverbial bread crumb trail to connect the dots, and might forget how everything fits together if there is no physical documentation to work with. Even then, the connections can become fuzzy, which I regard as normal, but the conclusion is clear, though even that can diffuse into what you will come to regard as normalcy for you, or be lost if you don't claim it.

I have done that many, many times wandering around in a maze of scattered thoughts and feelings and how at some point everything just comes together and I can connect the dots and find some understanding and logic about what is going on and why. I find I can get there through our writings also, but once words are spoken out loud, it is like I lose ALL of that knowledge and nothing connects anymore or makes any sense at all. It is like we are fumbling idiots trying to explain something that we had such a grasp on and then we totally lose it.

Yes, I am describing part of my life experience, in which one of my interests is to examining my deepest motivations and wishes, along with the outside influences on them. All of this to make right decisions, and to understand my mistakes (because they will be most certainly repeated if I can't connect with Me, and separate that from what has been expected of me........).

That is a very profound statement. I also believe that if we don’t understand our mistakes, we are definitely going to make them again. It is always so hard to distinguish the difference from, if I am doing this because it is expected of me or am I doing it because I want to do it. I haven’t gotten to the point yet to know what we want.

But, I digress. I am not a T. Nor have I been in T. So, I ain't no expert. But, I know some things via my own very hard work, especially over the past 8 or so years. I know that thinking, feeling, talking and writing can give different sounding results for a number of reasons, not the least of which is differences in ability to express, or even access itself.

I am hoping what I've written has helped. I also feel that if you can find a way to articulate why you are reacting as you are, maybe an evolving solution can be found, rather than an all-or-nothing demand. For instance is there a way that letters can be used separately, and some agreed upon subjects brought into the spoken world? Maybe T can give short replies, in writing, and spoken in the same way, during a session. Then maybe a quiet time. Do you doodle or draw....., maybe including 1-5 written words. Then, go to a different topic that can be discussed. I mean, work with it.

You bring up a very interesting thought I had when I read this paragraph. We have never had a problem listening to our T’s words as she talked. They don’t usually penetrate us through our barriers, but we do hear her. But I got frightened once she told us that she was going to start bringing up the information that was sent to her through the emails and she thinks we need to start talking about that. You see the information we give her is in story form. They are bits of what we like to call our headlines of our lives. To us they are just stories. But we gotten frightened of her words now and how she was going to use those words and that is when our words got lost and things went silent. No thoughts, no words, nothing…….
To articulate why we are reacting this way….well for one speaking the words of the story out loud, to be honest, it will make it real somehow. It will no longer be one of those dreadful fairy tales that you are always trying to find out what the moral of the story is. Connecting to it, something we don’t do well with. And to find out that the moral of these stories actually are that it was our fault and we are indeed awful people is something we can’t bear to live with.
Also our reality makes complete sense to us but as I have learned trying to go through this process, it doesn’t make a lot a sense to Ts. Well it might make sense to them why we think the way we think but it is not healthy or the way it is supposed to be. And that confuses the hell out of us. The way we think is ALL we know and makes everything else in our lives make sense. And all it takes is one thing thrown out of whack, one piece of anothers logic injected to our own and it thrown everything off and chaos breaks out.

Indeed, sometimes a completely direct approach is impossible. I don't mean that sneaky means replace that. Not at all! I'm trying to remember an example. It might have to do with looking at star formations in the sky. Okay, let's say it is. If one looks directly, one fails to see properly. But focusing a bit to the side, and yes, it all comes into focus. Or, direct confrontation is not always the best route, and can lead to lack of clarity. Not everything can, or wants to be looked at that way.

I think you are absolutely right. And agree with that statement 100%. Well put!

There is another thought rumbling on below right now and it has to do with my old T. She was the first person to meet some of our “others” inside. They would talk to her and didn’t have much of a problem telling her things (to a point). But things ended badly with her. We quit seeing her because we felt like she just plowed over our feelings and wasn’t able to hear us. She taught us a lot of things and some of those things we carry with us to our new T but we are finding they don’t mesh well with her and she doesn’t work that way. I tell myself ALL the time this new T is different and she should not have to pay for the hurts from old T but it is not very effective when it comes right down to it. Another thing I don’t know how to get past. We are afraid of her getting in here and mucking things all up for us again and then leaving us to put it all back together again. The thing is I just realized……..when we are left to put things back together again by ourselves……..we put them back the way they were before they got all messed up, it is ALL we know, it is what we are most comfortable with, it is familiar. So all that mucking around with things to think we will come out with a different outcome or picture on our own, doesn’t happen. Now that makes a lot of sense and something I can totally understand. How can we make a different picture of all the stuff in there without knowing how to do it?
Something to definitely think about.
Tweeter this response to us was absolutely awesome and appreciated more than you can imagine. You gave us a lot of think about. Thank you so much.
Tangled