Therapy................

[Tangled Web]

Well we have been plugging away in therapy and getting to know this new T. She is nice and always seems to have plan which we look for and are happy for the direction. (She doesn't "plan" anything we are not comfortable with) and we are able to say no to her and she is able to hear us when we do. So things have been going pretty well in therapy. She has been trying to get know how our system works and how we all function, it has been basically information gathering, which has always been kinda a safe thing for us. She told us that we are quite a ways in therapy process already, which we were grateful to hear because at least we know we didn't waist the whole 4 years we spent with our previous therapist. It has helped us to see just how far we have come.
Well she mentioned something to me the last time I saw her about what she would like to start doing in the next couple of weeks. You see, she gives us these little projects to do at home during the week and then we bring in the completed assignments and show her. It is great and we realize how much we thrive on them and enjoy doing them (to a point, all wouldn't agree). So we have had direction and have been going somewhere, which is soooooooooo nice to feel.

But at the end of our last session last week when she suggested that in a couple of weeks, she would like to start meeting the others and would like us to start writing down our headlines and then eventually get to their stories..........I felt like I was facing this deep bottomless gorge with no way over it. And that feeling has stuck with me for the whole week. It kinda makes sense that this would be our next step, but I have to admit, I didn't see it coming. I understand what she is saying and like I said after a lot of thought, this should be the next step. But I don't know if I can do this again. And to be honest, I don't even know where my feelings on this topic end and where the others inside feelings begin.

Our old therapist, she met a lot of us, she spoke to them, and they wanted to talk to her. I don't remember how all that was even started, how we got to that point where it was just ok to be US, whoever that might have been at the time. Our new T asked us that last week, how our old T was able to talk to the others and how she went about doing that, and I told her I had no idea, they just did but I know it wasn't always like that, it just grew into that.
So the thing is, I don't have that feeling inside that someone is dying to get out and talk to our new T and I don't know if that is me blocking it or if they just really don't want to talk to her. And I don't know if I really want her to talk to them either. To open up our world once again and have someone come in and muck around in things once again...........and then I think ok then why am I in therapy any ways??????/ Then that opens up a whole other issue all together...........

Our old T didn't end things very well with us imo. I had gone in and told her I was quitting T with her and that I had found another T with experience in DID and I thought it was time I moved on. Well she told me that she thought that was a great idea and then we said goodbye. That was it. 4 YEARS with her and that was it. I emailed her when I got home and told her I couldn't stop crying (which I NEVER EVER cry btw) and she responds to me by saying well it is just the changes, you will be fine. There was NO closure. She had relationships with so many people inside and not once did she mention them, or say goodbye to them, or even think about them! And now this new T wants to start meeting the "others" inside..........How am I supposed to do that? Open ourselves back up to that. This is where my thinking goes and I can't think my way out of it. It just stops right there, with nothing........no thoughts what so ever.........just that never ending bottomless gorge in front of me.

Well thanks for listening.
Emma