Another day of struggling

[Cammy]

It's May 3rd: Today my inner ear is making me dizzy and queasy, and I'm struggling with anxiety and panic stuff (the usual menu). Feel a tad better. Not so disarticulated, more in one piece. I think it was exhaustion, partly. I'm still fighting feeling so very, very frightened. I'm okay and then I'm not okay. The meds are the only thing holding me together right now, and I'd rather it were just me being able to do that for myself. I've lost so much of my support system, and what I'm left with doesn't feel like it much cares whether I live or die. Needing a little real 'care' from my care providers means so much to me...everything actually. I've been spoiled by people who really cared, and now....I'm starting all over and feel like I just want to stop fighting...like I just want to lay down and die. But not really - I AM SAFE - I want survival as much as the next person. I just get exasperated and tired and lonely and afraid, and I look into the future and see a lot of darkness. It's hard sometimes being what we are, hard on all of us here at MM and all the others out there who struggle with the same things. So few out in the real world who can understand, and so much we have to hide and protect ourselves from, predominantly public ignorance (which includes the medical community - my very special sore spot). Okay..well...there it is...another day in paradise...time to take a pill, hug a dog (or two or three) and hope for a better tomorrow.