Another day of struggling

[Cammy]

Still May 2: OMG, do I ever feel terrible tonight for some reason. Really empty and hopeless, like there's just no reason to ever get up out of bed again. Yet, so much anxiety in the mix. Too many different feelings from too many different perspectives hitting me at once, and also a lot of blank nothingness as well. Layer upon layer of thoughts, feelings, unfeelings, memories, future visions, all rolled up ...all here clamoring for notice and I am just too tired to sort it all out. Don't even care if it ever gets sorted out. Nothing makes sense right now. My logic center is absent or shut down. My mind has become totally aimless wandering wondering blanking out focusing in reviewing destroying regretting remembering reaching for emotions too high on the shelf to get to. What the heck is happening to me? This is not psychosis...this has a different flavour. Reality still persists even though I wish it wouldn't. I can't feel right now...not really...not clearly. Feelings are blurred and blunted and I want to feel so that I can cry or scream or something and purge myself of this horrid state. At some level there is severe panic and terror...up through the many layers we can feel it's presence. But it won't gel and thus we can't react fully and be rid of it. We don't know what this is, but we don't like it. We are blank and frightened at the same time. We are many more things at the same time. It's like all our selves are being poured into one giant mix and we are mingling with the different attributes of ourselves simultaneously. No...I'm not on drugs. I'm just me and this mess right now is just another manifestation (how close to 'infestation' that is) of our multiplicity. I need sleep. But I'm scared to sleep when I'm like this.

Here comes a wave of panic washing over me. So, at last, some solid feeling. What a horror it is sometimes just trying to get from one moment to the next.

P.S.I'm safe. Scared, uncomfortable, miserable, but definitely safe.