Still Feeling Chaotic Inside

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(04-12-2013, 06:25 PM)MakersDozn Wrote: Hi again all, and thanks.

Making some progress in T. Feeling an increased level of trust there, but trust is scary, because we don't want to risk (1) having that trust abused or (2) making poor judgments based on having achieved that trust. But we're making just enough progress, barely detectable, to keep moving.

MDs

Very well said! Broken down into (1) and (2). I sincerely mean the compliment. Underlying sarcasm due to recent experience, encompassing both categories, with medical professionals (or sh*t heads), whichever nomenclature feels right. I'm still in one piece after about 4 weeks of the nonsense.. I'll discuss in another thread.

I'm impressed by your description: "just enough progress, barely detectable, to keep moving." It was like a ray of sunshine.

I've been working very hard, first following the bread crumbs back to what I was as a sweet and spunky very little girl. Then, development thru adversity encountered, to an almost too late re-centering of location in time of self (back to my natural self), and how I was jarred back and forth before settling. Unfortunately, I let someone in on this who didn't understand me, and didn't care to. Each movement back and forth within led to further dislodging of a disruptive negative introject. It was a rocky road. The learning process as to what to do defensively without it had seemed interminably stuck.

I'm in go forward, now obviously, because of the latest challenge. Sometimes you don't know when a major building block has been properly placed until you need to install supporting beams, windows, a roof, flowers.
These times are deserving of the cynical, of poor expectations. But, the unexpected relief of feeling good in self even though a lot in life is lousy, makes the effort worth it.

In very small steps, I am doing much better according to what is normal for me, not what someone else wants me to be. The war, that one at least, is over. The fact that I don't fit in with current society is okay, because modern times are truly insane and I'm not. I haven't changed my opinions of people, though they have more dimensions. But, in some ways I've changed how I act. Less edgy, though I can still tell someone off, it's different. It's very straightforward, but I don't have words for it yet and I don't know whether I will. Doesn't matter. Ongoing.

I know our situations are not identical. I wish to offer encouragement because progress in such things shows itself somewhat differently, at least for me. I'm deeply happy with what I've accomplished. This is not euphoria. It's self-acceptance, flaws and all, and wanting to improve according to what I need to do to grow into what I should have been to the extent I can in my time.

I would strongly suggest that you drop the "negative" concept. FM's boyfriend, and then fm, were fond of calling me negative because I would not comply. There are plenty of other examples. I don't know why this happened to me and I can't afford the time to play with it. I can work on correcting the derailing. It's very easy to turn projected negativity on the self, which can increase whatever characteristics are being referred to.
There's a heck of a difference between being negative and needing to defend self (but not being sure how to do this without acting in a way that is interpreted as negative), and really finding fault with everything. The problem, or part of it for me, was that I was raised by someone whose view of me was negative, not because I was. You don't have to replace the word with another. I mean, I didn't. Just drop it.

I'm proud of you all,
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