Isolation and Trust Issues

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Hi,
Normally, I'm balanced between introversion and extroversion. I like to have people around me, but I need a lot of space. I'm both a delightful, out-there ham, and a private, focussed person, who needs to block out the exhausting stream of news, nonsense and distraction all too common in daily life.
When I have no healthy outlet of meaningful expression, and fear of rejection takes over because I have nothing to show for myself, my outgoing nature might present as looking to impress others. It's to make up for the lack of regard I have experienced in life, both for my person and for what I am. It doesn't work socially, and not inside either. I'm working on this.

I can talk to almost anyone. Often choose the communal table at a restaurant, though I listen more than anything at this point. I guess I've lost interest flapping my gums, and never was that interested to begin with.

I feel like an alien as well. I could easily earn myself one heck of a psych rating due to sp. beliefs and martial arts practices that differ from accepted public knowledge,the creative framework of my life.

Anyone who is significantly different from major segments of the population, and for whom partial or full exposure would be embarrassing or even h*rmful, faces a high degree of protective distancing, to the point of isolation.
An exception would be a person who has a good cover (Clark Kent or Bruce Wayne, to give graphic examples). Even then, it's tricky. The double life works best in one's favor if both the cover and inner being are engaged and Alive In Life.
Unfortunately, I missed my opportunity to do this at age 19, and didn't realize until this year that I needed that kind of outside social image, as well as the possibility for real financial success, as much as my very private existence (which at that point had no direction).

The road I took by default didn't work, and I don't know how I expected it to. In conforming to other people's expectations of me (born of their need to keep me in a place they had selected for me for their convenience, which eventually amounted to abuse), I lost out. When things went full circle in a way, and I had another sort of opportunity that comes once in a lifetime, I balked. again. The past has kept me in chains. I'm dealing.

I have found that trusting in someone who cannot, or would not be able to accept me is risky business.
Trust involves respect, honor, and good feelings. It also involves "rules and limitations," for the welfare of all involved. I would include in such an agreement between/among people, trust in the self(ves).
Also, there are degrees of trusting. And that's all right. Know where you stand. That's how to stay relatively safe.

A true story.
I had mentioned in another thread how I re-centered, at a point of being in early childhood, before my behavior had been affected by m*str**tment and unfortunate imprinting. I felt myself settle into my true heart. I was home. This was inspired by nonverbal contact with some little neighbors in my current abode, the building where I spent most of my childhood. That's how I found my way back. Something else had opened the way. The details aren't for here.
Thing is, soon after the way opened (but I didn't know to what at the time), I started to feel more vulnerable. A couple of years after, I wondered about protecting myself. I let my imagination wander and found myself back at the m*th*r's ways. That was the only defense I knew! Over recent months, I have refused this option. I would find another way. I relaxed.
I acted naturally as myself, without barbs, without that edge that made me increasingly uncomfortable and didn't accomplish anything, other than to foster dislike from other people. It worked. I'll go on from there. It won't work the same all the time. Okay.

Basically, I'm a gentle, dreamy, rational sort, and sometimes a bit wild. All of that needn't be on display, which helps to keep safe. I was an open book, and that's no good. Ironically, few believe a person who acts like that.
The current unblocking makes me safe in myself. The negative introject is losing its hold as a reflex response to stress.

As for trusting people, I try not to. I was naturally trusting, but that's not advisable as the world becomes more chaotic, and people fearful, willing to be talked into just about anything. Like you, I've been betrayed too often.

My feeling is don't show your cards, but stay of the world at least part of the time. Somehow, build your own power base and participate! If you can, conduct your life as you would a business. Which means that deep personal relationships would not need to be a part of it unless that was your choice. It's your choice whether to let someone in or not.

My personal decision is that after trainman, no one else gets in. (Yes, it did happen fast, and he's welcome back, maybe.) But, my friends, if I weren't ill, I'd be active in this world.
I wish I had done this in years past. Wrong jobs and associations and loneliness, like an avalanche of error. My 6th grade teacher had it right. I needed to be trained in the arts, make a good living doing something I loved, and be independent. She said I'd find serious interests and everything else on my own. Bingo.

My friends, I understand what you're talking about, as far as I can. I cloistered myself, and fm contributed to that. I think he's afraid. Even when he travels, he's in a burrow. I can't stand it for me.

Life is a dance, many dances. And I pretty much sat out the whole d***** thing. I don't wish that for you.

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