Conflicted

[Katz Krew]

Hi TW,

I have struggled with this as well....in my own way. For me it was more the physical aspects of being sick that I had to struggle with as my memories of the SA is very shady though I know for certain it happened with a number of diff people. I am sharing my take on the physical it in case it helps you. If not, no worries.

Being physically sick has been my life. At least 42 out of soon to be 46yrs. I started my healing journey for real in 09 as it was also coupled with my spiritual journey. Being physically sick was just always the easier route. I've actually had a conversation with myself about "needing" to be sick for a couple of reasons. 1. Being sick meant that nothing was expected of me because I was "sick" (literally with chronic bronchitis, flu, colds, etc)...it was a very safe place to be....snuggled under the covers watching tv mostly. 2. It gave me a way to say "no" without hurting anyone's feelings cause I was "sick" (still literally). I didn't realize I had the option of politely saying no to things without losing friends. It was as if I didn't have a right to say no to things. I started with saying "I need time to think about that, can I get back to you?" til I could say "thanks, but I need to pass" (without giving a "good reason" esp if I just was not in the mood or had no desire to do whatever they asked me to). Now, I still get phys sick on occasion, but it's much less and not chronic anymore thank goodness. I've found a freedom from it that I just cannot explain.

As for the SA stuff....still processing that as much as a shady memory allows. I really believe it's easier since I've had a total hysterectomy (not that I advocate it...it was medically necessary for me). I had either been told or read somewhere the SA stuff gets stored in our woman parts and now that I don't have them I'm not haunted by old emotional SA stuff. It's almost like a scar that you can see but no pain exists from it any longer. My shady memories are there and sometimes I get another piece but it doesn't haunt me the way it did.

I wanted to share this because I know the comfort that comes from not facing issues or trying to talk yourself out of what happened...or the "did it happen" thinking that comes along those lines....I struggled for years thinking I made it all up and/or denying what took palce. Not sure any of this makes sense but am posting anyway. Never know what might help you or someone else.

Hang on TW....it does get better and the freedom is amazing and sooo worth the struggle you might have to process it all.

<3
Jamie of Katz Krew