when to give up on T..?

[The People]

(08-31-2012, 05:30 PM)Tangled Web Wrote:

(08-31-2012, 09:32 AM)nats Wrote: thanks TW and mosaic.

it's exactly as you described - we're coasting and we know it - we've been w/ this T about 4yrs and happy to talk with her about routine stuff but just don't feel like she can help with whatever would be deeper (not sure what that would be nor whether its her or us, just feel like we've done all we can do at this point with this T).

we've stuck wth her this long b/c we could afford her and felt like we 'should be in T' but that reasoning doesn't seem good enough to stay at something that we're just not ready to do more than coast in. Realised that to keep everything going professionally etc takes a huge amount of energy that we then don't have to invest in challenging selves in T. I guess just looking for any excuse to take an indefinite break. Just feels like something we do as a habit but aren't really seeing any changes/improvements - obviously, since we're not putting effort in either. maybe we're just not any good at the T process.

we read here about people who really miss their Ts when they're gone. we like our T but we're happy to have a break when she's gone. We just aren't attached to her or trusting - which is one of our issues that seems to have gotten worse rather than better with the passage of time...

feels like rambling instead of answering your questions. we don't want to give up on ourselves but we've not managed to deal with any of the major issues we started T for - not a single one. mainly we've just come to accept that this is the way things are. most of us are not bad people, but doesn't seem like the T process is helping us become better...

Hi nats. I can totally relate to alot of what you are saying here! I am struggling with trying to find a balance with how much energy I give at work and how much energy I leave to work on myself. That balance has never been an easy one! Challenging ourselves does take ALOT of energy! When you say........
I guess just looking for any excuse to take an indefinite break. Just feels like something we do as a habit but aren't really seeing any changes/improvements - obviously, since we're not putting effort in either. maybe we're just not any good at the T process. I have been there recently also. Looking at everything just to find an excuse to stop T.....and trust me I have found alot of them! But still I go out of habit, like you said or because I think I need to be in T......(but I am starting to realize it is true) Not being good at the T process is totally understandable. It is so confusing and I don't think it is something we need to do well! We need to be taught how to do T and what the process actually means! IMO. I have told my T many times that if I hear that word one more time "process" I thought I was going to scream! Especially since it didnt make any sense to me what she was talking about! And to be honest I am still not sure if I do now. It is a huge learning curve! and is very frustrating.

we read here about people who really miss their Ts when they're gone. we like our T but we're happy to have a break when she's gone. We just aren't attached to her or trusting - which is one of our issues that seems to have gotten worse rather than better with the passage of time... I am not one of those people either. I am glad when my T goes away also. I welcome the break. For me it isn't about trusting her because I think I do trust her (more than anyone else in my life) but I keep my distance and don't become attached to her either. She keeps very good boundaries and I do everything I can to stay as far away from breaking them or challenging them in any way. But I do believe that you need to build the trust with your T before you go deeper into things. Your T might surprise you and be there for you!


we've not managed to deal with any of the major issues we started T for - not a single one. Maybe it would help if you made a list of what they are and take it to your T...... and ask her to help you deal with them and be straight up with them.....tell them how you feel and how you have no idea how to get there. mainly we've just come to accept that this is the way things are. I have said this many times to myselves and also my T and I truly believe that this ISN"T the way things should be. Have no idea how to change it really but I know if I keep accepting it things will NEVER change for me.......Just a thought.

doesn't seem like the T process is helping us become better... Well from what I just learned this week is that you need to make yourself become better with the guidance of your T. I truly thought (which I wasn't aware of until recently) that all I had to do was tell parts on my story to my T and then she would be able to heal me. That is what I thought this therapy process meant and then I even thought that the reason I wasn't healed yet was because I hadn't told her enough about my life yet. I don't know what I expected.....like I know she doesn't have this magic wand or anything but I thought she would give me this profound advice that would just heal me. BOY was I wrong. 4 years I have been waiting..........now I know why. I couldnt put it into words before.....I know that probably sounds very foolish and stupid but it is true. I need to work on myself, I need to put the time and energy into doing that and believe that things can change (which I don't think they can right now, but hoping they will) so I guess it is time to stop coasting so much and start looking at things.......I wish I knew what that would look like......
you asked mosiac how to go deep...........I think part of it is by letting go of some of your control over everything. Just a hunch, but that is where i would start.

I think this is a very valuable conversation and want to thank you so much for starting it!
Here listening.........