Having difficulty figuring this one out....

[orek]

(08-13-2012, 10:45 PM)Tangled Web Wrote: I am not sure I will be able to explain this right but I have been restling with this for a couple a weeks now and still have not gained any ground on figuring it out.

The last time I saw my T she had said something to me.....
We were talking about my father and the time I had confronted him about he did to me. I was 16 at the time and my dad and I got into a huge fight and he had told me that I was no longer his daughter to him. 2 years later I saw him again and did something very awful, shameful.

My T had said well now it makes sense why I did what I did. It was because I wanted his love back and that was the only way I knew and that is what I thought was love.
Well I have never made that connection and it shocked and terrified me that she did.

The thing that is bothering though (besides what I wrote above) is that it reminded me of what I read in books about victims of abuse and the things they do because of the abuse. I have never thought of myself of one of "those" people. I have never thought of myself as a victim. NEVER! I have always seen myself as a survivor. I survived and that was all that mattered. To me being a victim was weak, fragile, easily broken. I know there are many different meanings of the word VICTIM for individuals and I guess that was how I saw it.....the meaning of the word I mean. So because I survived I considered myself a survivor and would/actually still do get really pissed off when someone calls me a victim.
For the first time in my life I am starting to see myself as a victim ONLY now the word is starting to take on a new meaning to it. (sometimes) And the internal struggle is unbelievable inside. And what makes it harder is trying to put the pieces together when the two incidents I have been talking about involve 2 totally different people inside of me that are on total oppisite ends of the spectrum.

So I don't know what to do about this. It just keeps rolling around in my head repeatedly and going back and forth.

If this post has offended anyone, I am sorry. These are MY feelings ONLY in regard to myself.......it does not apply to how I see others what so ever. I just had to say that or else I was going to delete the whole post.

And I keep thinking.....why is this such a big deal and why can't I just let it go.....like really when it comes down to it who cares! VICTIM/SURVIVOR could mean the same thing to some people BUT it is a huge deal for some reason inside of me and I can't push this down or make this go away, which is very frustrating because it just rolls around in my head with absolutely no solution even in sight. I don't even know where to start to find one.
Do I have to become a victim and accept myself as such before I can be a survivor?????? I don't think so......I think everyone is a survivor if they actually made it through any kind of abuse ALIVE!!!!!
The thing is that I think this has somehow got tangled into everything else like......me seeing that maybe it was that bad.........or if I am like those people who are in the books I read then I was a victim! ............That I am not making this all up and this really did happen to me.......... Finding some kind of acceptance maybe on a level that has gone deeper than it ever has. That maybe these are NOT just "stories" I hear from the others inside.....that THIS might have ACTUALLY happened to my body and the others......
I don't know...........I just don't know..........I wish I could make this fit somehow together but it just doesn't feel right yet....it just doesn't fit and it is like I am missing something and I can't put it together.

Any ways thanks for listening.
Tangled Web