what do I do?

[orek]

Wow, we so understand all those feelings. However, we are blessed with a great T who does know how to work with DID and PTSD. I have been without before, though. It's rough. I'm sorry you are unable to have that avenue of support right now or in the foreseeable future. And I'm so sorry it's such a struggle. The exhaustion and other physical issues do indeed make it hard to work on the system and emotional stuff. Hang in there.

Sitting with you all. --orek