Feeling stuck creatively

[WendyLee]

Last year, at age 55, I finally found a marketable, creative outlet making fun and funky jewelry and accessories. They were unique and I loved doing it, but have been creatively shut down for over a year since I fell and hurt my back on a broken stair outside the duplex I rent.

At first I thought it was all the doc appointments and pain that was keeping me from creating, and I fully expected to get back to it when I got better. Then 9 months ago the tinnitus (ear ringing) got teakettle-loud when I even thought about creating, and can get migraine level loud and sickening when I take meds for pain or anxiety. Plus my back injury was misdiagnosed and healed badly, so the pain and spasms and myriad doc appts are still there.

Shutting down creatively might be the way my inners are keeping the whole system safe by not out-doing the family of origin and incurring their soul killing wrath and petty criticisms even tho' I have had no contact for over 10 years.

We could be shutting down and staying safe by not exposing our work to public criticism, and avoiding all the stress and hassles of attending shows or putting items online. Plus there are loads more financial worries to cope with if any money is made. On top of the fact that we do not know how to find honest people who will help and not judge.

For about 10 months in 2000 I was happily writing short stories and journaling after I was encouraged by a writer who liked my style in an email I wrote to her, but I stopped writing totally when the child abuse issues came up. I have tried to get back into it off and on, but do not seem to be able to maintain it, much less like doing it very much since I dread dredging up the past again in this manner.

In 2004 I started making Energized glycerin soap, mist and other healing products that I imbued with Healing Energy, but that did not take off, partly since I live in the country where there is little interest and support in Spiritual Healing and metaphysics, and partly since I got blocked by the stress of marketing and finances and emotional issues, same as now.

The only creative release I seem to have is acquiring the craft supplies, and doing a little designing now and then. I love to shop and get free things and plan how they will be used. Now that I have pretty much stopped self-soothing by hoarding I have been getting flashbacks when I drive by and don't go into a thrift store, and I have been overeating and sitting doing nothing - both the only ways I got praise as a child.

Even taking baby steps toward creating anything feels hopeless at this point, so I have been culling my supplies severely (which can be triggering). I hope to move house in 6 months and have way too much stuff anyway.

Thanks for being here and giving me a place to rant. I belong to a decluttering forum, but they really do not understand where I am coming from.