Polyfragmented Questions

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Hello everybody.

My system and I have begun to wonder if we might be polyfragmented, but the problem is we can't find any in-depth information on the experience of polyfragmented systems.

We are autistic, and despite the fact that there's no obvious Monumental Trauma in our childhood, we believe that the fact that autistic brains are more easily traumatised contributed to our multiplicity. We've read that polyfragmentation tends to result from "worse" trauma, but we've also read the opposite. Some sources also say it results from abuse by multiple perpetrators. We were bullied in school pretty consistently by a variety of different children, but I'm not sure if that counts.

Right now, we have relatively few identified alters (19), but we've been noticing for a while that it sometimes feels like we just grouped a bunch of parts together under an alter to make our numbers seem smaller. For instance, some of our alters seem sort of different each time they're around, or have different "modes" they operate in, and we've been wondering if those modes could actually be separate alters who feel like they have to consistently present as the same person. We have pretty continuous memory in our daily life, though, and even though it's possible for us to examine a memory closely to figure out who was fronting at the time, we don't do it very often, so it's possible for alters to slip through the cracks and just never step forwards, if that is what they want. We recently discovered an alter who had been doing just that for a while. He's quiet and it's honestly like he just holds a very specific set of emotional reactions instead of being an entire person.

When we first started to realise we were multiple, and identify alters, most of our parts were like that. They were flat, and held fragments of things. We got up to a list of about thirteen and then freaked out because we felt like that was too many. I can remember writing out in a little notebook which alters would "fuse together" to bring the numbers down. It worked for some of us, but not others. In the cases where it worked, the resulting alter is much less two-dimensional. In one case, it didn't work at the time, but one of the alters who was meant to fuse must have ended up integrating other parts on her own over the years, because she's much more nuanced now.

We also have a few sets of alters who are in their own little subgroups. For example, we have Mx. 9 and Rune, who are both around 9-11. 9 holds trauma, and Rune doesn't, but they both like the same colours and it's honestly like they're the traumatised and untraumatised versions of the same kid. I mention this because we've read that some people use the term "polyfragmented" to describe systems with more complex organisation, and with our sub-groups, it sounds like we might fall under that description.

I'd really appreciate it if anyone who is polyfragmented could describe their experiences, particularly how you experience identity. Thank you in advance.