Lonely and Painful

[VioletPeach]

I hurt so much (chronic physical pain conditions) and am so lonely. I feel like a different species. Big groups of people make me terribly anxious, I think my therapist is the only one who truly understands me, and I cannot think of a good reason why I survived. My heart is...broken in so many ways. Beautiful things hurt, thoughts of my empty future hurt, my mother's dismissal of my condition hurts, my inner world hurts, the nightmares that break through my beta blockers hurt, the new memories that come with horrifying screaming. The constant Protector that has to watch everything and the compulsive need to carry a taser and a knife. Feeling like there are cameras everywhere. Still trying to block out the sounds of yelling in the house I live in and life as a permanent patient. The exhaustion that comes from so much physical pain and mental consternation. Our inability to understand the "normals" surrounding us. The idea of trust feeling so foreign and impossible. I'm so worn out. So lonely.

~Violet