Family

[purpleball]

All these family holidays bother me. Father's day, Mother's day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter. A couple others I'm probably forgetting right now. I just tell myself I don't like holidays, which is true, but I feel like a big part of it is that I don't have any family. Father's day is a big one, because the host's father exists, but was the whole reason we ended up with DID in the first place. I hate him for it. All these uplifting posts about family just drive me further into seclusion from the world so I don't have to see it. Happy families make me whither up inside in regret for the family I never had. I'm happy for them, I am. But I'm so envious it burns deep down inside me. I want a normal life with a normal family. I want to know where I came from, and have little inside jokes from a childhood I never had. I want a real life with real memories instead of this run-down timeshare of a body. For never being alone, it's ironic that I should feel so lonely. I've been running this over and over in my head for years now, and I can't find any solution. I know that I can't have a family, because I don't really exist either, but I want it so much that a part of me can't let it go.

-P