Week of many tears

[Gim]

Thanks. I am hanging in there and am safe. There are urges of si but that is a constant issue and comes from one of the parts. Some days tolerance is better than others.

Last night after I shared this post I felt that it would be good to share it in email with T. Of course, I took out the details but the other stuff that was pertinent to her and I. I added a few things that I thought about after the fact.

One of the things that struck me as I was writing it out for her was that I feel over the last week I have lost any "positive" gain that was made over the last few months. I shared wit her that several of parts do not believe she will come back and shared with her some of the things that have happened even though "I" know she is sick, even thought "I" understand that happens....they don't. I know she will get that. Writing and sharing that with her me me feel very guilty. Because I know she is sick and I know she didn't just wake up and decide to have the worst illness causing her to miss week of work. But I felt that it needed to be shared.

Interestingly enough...once I was able to get everyone inside and myself calm enough to head to bed...I slept. I slept hard. I mean very hard. It was close to 2:30am but I fell asleep and stayed asleep. No flashbacks, no night terrors, no anything. My blasted alarm was set for 6:15am. NO idea why and string of curse words later I got up and saw my 16 yr old off to work. Then went back to bed at 7am and slept till my husband woke me up around 10am. I didn't wake up triggered, I didn't wake up with flashbacks, for the first time in the last week I slept for more than 3-4 hrs in one day.

So I think that was probably good thing to get off my chest. I know there were several parts who wanted to chime in and say what they wanted to say. I put a stop to that and made sure that everyone knew if they wanted to say something they needed to be clear enough to ME so I could understand or it wasn't going in email. I also have let them know they are not to send T 5000 emails...(2 of them have their own email accounts and that is how we communicate the others just email her or use voice to text email).

I am hopeful things will look up. history says "any good days are followed up with backlash." I am choosing to not think about that right now.