Having difficulty figuring this one out....

[Unity]

The funny thing is that i can remember dizains of persons saying me i probably had some issues in a way or another, and not at all in insulting manner or anything, people who were friends or relative, but i would deny this to death, there are plenty of things i couldn't accept somehow.

What i think happenned with the girl on the chat, is that she was a bit new in therapy, and saw plenty of pattern of self destructive behavior or other thing in me, and it made her bad trip to see this in me just as much as it made me bad trip to see her being like this, and for me it really made an electroshock lol

I don't know how that happened, but clearly it's one of the thing that she managed to do is make me realize i had issue and reaction i couldn't explain, and plenty of sign of something wrong, and i think it's in big part due to this  that i also took steps to get better in many aspect.

I'm sure i had also huge same electro shock kind of impact on her on certain things cause i saw her attitude changing very quickly with certain things we talked about too.

But it's clear it's this kind of interaction, well it's not necessarily only with girl but here it was blatent, that for me it's clear it mark of some kind of memory.

Usually i'm used to deal with people with issues, it's not that i don't feel anything in that case, but those are emotion i have no problem figuring out with CBT kind of things.

Here it's clear there was some huge cognitive dissonance that happened, between my cognitive level have more positive view of her, while all my emotional side went on high alert and totally freaked me out with huge negative emotion, but it's not specially targeted at her, but it's definately weird.

If i want to do a bit of DID like analysis of this, to me it look like maybe one of my alter was a victimized girl which i  saw also someone having one as an alter, if i need to picture her she should look a bit like mio in sin city, and plus this girl physically looked like her.


As i was seing she was having some self destructive impusle, it completly short circuited my brain, in a way there is probably some kind mio like protector that wanted to take control to elimiate the threat to this girl, but as the threat was herself it was like total short circuit, plus mixed with the fact of some sexual attraction to her that my mind associated with an hurt girl children, well in the moment it just completly short circuited me. In real life she was few year older than me.

The weirdest is i felt like if i did some thing to deal with unbearable emotion like either using alcohol or drug or other things to help deal with the issue, it would look like she would see this as me hurting myself because of her, so that completly blocked all those impulse that can come during this time.

One evening, she came to the chat, and i don't know why , i instantly felt something was wrong with her, but she didn't say much anything special, but it did ring an alarm bell to me, i asked on the chat if someone knew her because i had a very bad feeling about it. Another girl told me she knew her and that she was fine, i asked her if she can contact her now, she told no, i was feeling total in panic, but she didn't say anything special on the chat at all, so i was still wondering if that could be paranoia or something, and then she came back few dizains of minute after and she did injury herself badly i was like :/ :/

In the same time she told  me very quickly when i met her that she was sick, and was forever single etc so i mean normally i should have avoided her idk.

The girl who told me she knew her told me something like 'ho it doesn't matter, someday she will not miss herself' , i was like pff, in the same time i'm used to that kind of reaction, but well it was really looking like i was the only one who noticed somehing was going wrong, or wanting to  do something about the issue .

Well i talked to her directly after that, i just wanted to make sure everything was fine, but she seemed calmed down, and was going to sleep, well at this point i was not too much worried that much. Then i told her good night sleep well etc and she told me 'i wish you well', my mind sort of interpreted this as 'if you  do something that hurt yourself i will hurt myself because of it' or something alike.

But my bad trip with her started before this, so i was already like in weird connection with her, like a bit talking about our issues and all, but all the time being completly freaked out around her , and in the same time seing that  i was totally in bad trip because of her, but it was before this accident, and it's something that i couldn't control at all and was just completly short circuited my brain.

At some point she told me 'your an unconscous super hero' , i was like pff it's like firing up all my trauma, what a super hero. Maybe i dissociated and something super heroic happened in the meanwhile though. I most remember it was like completly tetanized, it was feeling a bit like if she would harm herself it would harm me or something it was just weird like this. Well she didn't do anything for this really, it was just totally just weird.

Some part of me told me to run away from her directly, but some  part of feel also totally connected to her in a weird manner too and we had exactly same kind of traumatic experience.

Well morality, even if it can be hard to accept the part of me that has been victimized, and that i can maybe dissociate certain things this way to avoid to integrate the painful experience,  then this 'alter' can also be a real person, and is actually a real person, and it's not just something i can compartimentalize in my brain for ever pretending it doesn't exist. Some people doesn't have dissociation :p

And there are plenty of things that are really better approached by accepting also the victimization, and  being aware it can also happen to other person, and that meeting another person who can have similar issue than some alter that i have and that i don't want to accept, without being minimum prepared, it can be really bad or even dangerous i think.