Having difficulty figuring this one out....

[Unity]

It's touchy topic to me too i still don't really know where to stand with this

Well idk for example, one thing that started to trigger thing is for example i was on a chat, and i got a bit close with a girl there, like i was feeling i related to her on plenty of things, and then she told me she was under treatement for schizo, and had issue with violence at young age, did boxing, plenty of common point.

The reaction it triggered when i figured that out at that point was rather intense, well it's the moment i started to realize there was something wrong with this, like i was taken by a strong conflict to run away, or feeling still there was something i should look into with this.

Well i already had sort of bad feeling before, but there it was so powerful idk i was really unable to stop this, it was rather scary idk. Really i was feeling like i was dieing or something lol So weird reaction, it lasted for days, i didn't really know what to do with it :p It was lucky i was working home, and only with skype, but at some point this stuff was so overhelming it was really strange.

I swear i'm almost scared to go to that chat server at all because i don't want to see her lol It's nothing wrong with her idk, she didn't do anything special, at first i didn't know how to deal with this, but it's just idk i know it trigger super weird reaction.

Then i started to look around me  the people that i was close to at some point, well all same kind of trouble.

But well i've been through several stage with this idk.

In the same time, with some of things that happened to me, i got also sort of trauma with not seeing sign of victimization in someone close to me, there is a part of me who got sort of paranoiac on this. I know i probably don't have a very healthy approach on that kind of issue or that it's something that disturb me lol

I think one of the hard thing to accept for me is that there can still be other victim today, or that this kind of situation can happen all the time, and often even going silent. Often because of all these issue of not wanting to accept certain thing that will often not really be able to heal if they are not identified for what they are. And on the long run those things can still become destructive.

Survivor doesn't mean unscathed , even if it's sort of hard to accept things that can be part of me, that is related situations or things like this, it's clear thinking in term of victim necessary make some kind of flash.

but i see also in big part for myself being able to approach this kind of things more rationally and without bad tripping as a sign of not being victim of it anymore idk (which is not totally the case for the moment i think he he, but already better i guess :p)