Learned a lesson :) I hope

[The People]

I have started cleaning a new yoga studio in exchange for class time. I almost quit for a couple of reasons but we are changing some things, mostly my attitude but also the hours I work etc.

On Thursday I cleaned. I worked very hard, forgetting to drink water. That makes me grumpy for whatever reason. And I was tired. I had forgotten the attachment for the mop as I brought it home to clean it and it was either walk back or get down on my n=knees. I chose the latter and what a workout!

I walked to BP and had some supper, spending some extra cash that came in. The waitress made a tiny mistake. Put lemon on my water after I said not to. I got pissed, she apologized stating that it was habit. I downed a bunch of water as I thought of my reaction.

I had been thinking about other people’s reaction toward me. I think the people at yoga look down on me because I am a person with degrees scrubbing floors. In reality I look down at myself. But when I am there cleaning and nobody is around it doesn’t matter. Just put on my IPod and I go at it. I do a good job. A friend finds it strange since I am a slob at home. She doesn’t know that different people exist for different jobs. None of that stuff.

This poor waitress did something out of habit and I looked at her like she had brought my an extra large onion pizza. BLECK! I glared at her in the same way I FEEL like people look at me because of how my life turned out. I spent much of my time sitting there eating and thinking about the messes I get myself into because of what is going on in my head. I looked down on this girl ‘cause she messed up just like people sometimes glare at me ‘cause I mess up. Or I just think they are. How a lot of the bad things in my life are actually in my head. It was a real eye opener. For the most part of 24 hours I was in such a good mood. Even cleaned a bit. At home.

Well I did do a bit of looking back and cried for a little girl in grade 6 who was in so much physical pain and didn't dare cry out for help. I did get back into a better space afterward. Probably some switching going on. Went to Safeway. Went to Yoga where it was a good workout. Except that every time I would get too relaxed I would go into flashback mode. So I had to keep my eyes open and I created a visualization. Rowing a canoe on a lake. Water is calming which is why I take so many baths. I walked home just fine.

Went to go online to pay bills and my password was screwed up. Again. They asked me information that I couldn’t give them so they froze my cards. Have to go to the bank and fix it. Again. Then I got mad again and wrote a letter of complaint. Because something went wrong even before I got to a person. After I sent it I crawled into bed with the cat. Mad mad. But I went back to yesterday, to the realization that just because things go wrong it isn’t always the other person’s fault. Sometimes is it because I make the mistake or because nobody makes a mistake. Because I switched. Some people really are stupid but sometimes it is just me assuming the world is out to get me.

It was a good 24 hours aside from the flashbacks. And the hour or so when I was fighting with the computer. Hate flashbacks. Hate passwords.