Giving up

[Tangled Web]

WOW I could of wrote that exact same post word for word! I have the same things go through my mind ALL the time. I repeatedly ask those same questions..........

I do have some answers--but let me warn you they are probably not what you want to hear, I know this because when I first heard them it was definitely not what I wanted to hear. Now everyone is different and these things might not apply to you at all so take whatever you want that is useful from this and leave the rest.
How long do I have to dread waking up and going through another day--There are times I can honestly say that this comes and goes for me. I am just barely existing in my life. I go to work and come home and that is all I can manage to do. There have been times when I wake up in the morning and very disappointed that I am still here, but I get out of bed and go to work because there is nothing else I can do. I don't self injure anymore and suicide is not an option so I get up and go through the motions. I stuff the feelings of dread-so how long you ask--as long as it takes I guess. I don't think there is a time frame or if their is I haven't been able to figure it out. I am told it will take as long as it takes and trust me I was SO NOT impressed by that answer but it is true. This didn't happen overnight to us--it happened over years and years so it makes sense that it is going to take awhile to heal. It is what we do in that time--especially the really difficult and hard times that counts. For example I feel a lot of fear and don't function well when I don't feel safe. Words I tell myself that I am safe and all the locks on my doors and windows don't really provide me comfort like I thought they would. I had to find out what would or does help me feel safe. For me cuddling with my purple bear and wrapped up tight in my warm fuzzy blanket helps me feel safe. It works. That is something you might try looking into-figuring out how you feel and what would help you.
what do I do when one of us keeps pushing away everyone in my support system? I don't have an answer for this one. I don't really have a support system other than talking to people on here and to my T. I am not really sure how your support system works for you and never have been really good a creating one of those. For me the risk has always been to much but I am hoping that with you maybe if you told them that when things are making you struggle your defenses are kicking in and it might seem like we are pushing you away but this is not our intent and we need you to not go away no matter how hard it feels like we are pushing you away. Maybe that might work. I don't know......You don't have to go into great detail just let whomever know how much you need them if you are able.
how do I know this will ever get better? well that is where we have go on blind faith. That is all I have for that answer.........I am not much of a blind faith type of person but I trust my T and she tells me it will get better so I hold onto that and question it ALL the time and she answers me ALL the time with it will get better.
I have separated my feeling from the trauma and since we connected some I have been like this just hopeless and giving up. I can't stop feeling all the hurt and pain-I am sorry you are going through this. I know it is an extremely awful place to be in. I also have disconnected from the feelings of the trauma. Recently I connected to something that was completely unexpected for me. I honestly thought I was going to die and no one would find me for weeks or even months. I had no idea that letting one of my others have their feelings while I was present would be like that for me-It was like the gates of hell had opened up and swallowed me whole.
BUT as horrible as that was for me and still is I did realize that it didn't kill me. I got through it. And yes it is still very much there but I chose not to have it as my main focus all the time. Yes it does creep up on me and affects the way I function but I will be damned if I will let them destroy me. So you asked what if I'm not strong enough, a question I ask myself daily........and now I have an clear example to look back on and have an answer for that question--yes I am strong enough and I believe you are also. Connecting to the feelings of trauma has been the most difficult thing I can honestly say I have ever experienced in my life. BUT I survived it. I survived it back then and I survived it now and that is proof I do have the strength within me and I believe you do have the strength within you also. Now I don't plan on uncovering any more of those dreadful feelings anytime soon and that is ok. You need to give yourself permission to recoup from it and that is ok to say we need to stop digging up memories or whatever it is and just find ways to stabilize yourself. I shut down-that is what I do and focus on just functioning. I am not suggesting this is a good thing to do or that this is what you should do because I know it has many drawbacks BUT it works for me and right now until I find another way- I do what I know that works for me.
Something a little more healthier to do is find the simple joys in things. I find this a hard one to do but I do enjoy fragrant candles and light them throughout my house. I like doing puzzles of nature scenes on the computer and that can keep my mind busy for hours. I get in cooking modes and cook a bunch of things at once and freeze them. Taste and smell are a good distraction and let you know that there are good things in the world for me. You need to find those things that make you feel good and try to surround yourself with them.
The chaos will ease and stability will happen this I do know. It just takes time and figuring out how to make it happen because sitting around and waiting for it to just magically appear (which I am in NO WAY saying this is what you are doing) doesn't work because trust me this is something I HAVE done!
I hope this has helped. Take gentle of yourselves-you are worth it!
Tangled