Patterns

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Okay, above I got into how patterns in the human condition might have an affect on patterns, or their severity in a life. If one thinks that there might be a coincidence. Yes, and yet.

What I'll say next might seem vague, and it is. I came to question whether the patterns were/are mine alone, beyond previous thoughts here. The influences of introjects (both negative and positive) are generally well known. I find it interesting that I have aligned with some people whose attitudes came to match those of the m*th*r, who affected me like a monkey wrench. Not immediately, or not an exact match, but might as well have been. Probably no accident that I told these people about her, and the rest is history.

And so, patterns of what happens out there and inside, which so impacts one's direction (maybe just a bit at a time, but it doesn't take much), works to perpetuate them. I'm referring to the negative sort. Can I say what exactly it was that made a person act a certain way, which was destructive not only to me, but somehow to the person in question? I mean we can only know so much about even our own characters.

I am thinking that maybe I am carrying some of the patterns of a parent, internalized patterns I didn't sign up for. When I turn my attention to her, I realize that aside from a memory here and there, I didn't know her. There are people online I know better than her. I spent years with her, but didn't know her. I came to realize that she wanted to live an illustrious life thru me, and when that didn't work (because even as a child I wouldn't have that), she worked to d*str*y me, while denying it. Another pattern. She followed that as if it were a religion. I mean that literally.

My nature throughout has been both of an adventurer/individualist, and of one who wanted to be a good, not perfect, person. Implementation seems to have been a problem, and continuance of a cooperative relationship when another person's priorities changed radically. I believe that part of what the m*th*r carried became hardwired in my inner life map. So, the pattern of resisting and finding some success, which was either ruined by her or by me not being able to follow thru makes sense in this context. What is very p**nful is the recurrent appearance of destructive people in my life. I don't deserve that. I'm not much into karma as a judgmental force. Rather, one gets welded to whatever energies caused certain kinds of people to act a certain way towards me.

A flaw is that I've been very good at giving up my personal power. I can be very dynamic, but I tire when in a dominant role, as a leader, for much time. I'm the sort who functions in the background, makes an appearance of note, and returns to the background for down time and contemplation. Taken together with issues mentioned, I don't command respect. A martial arts teacher once said that my spirit is much stronger than my body. That is a major flaw in terms of being a herd animal, which mankind is.

Patterns of life can make a pretty picture much of the time for certain people. The bottom line, as I see it is that it isn't a matter of being deserving one way or the other. It's not really intelligible. When the civilization as we have known it, is also taking a nose dive, while looking for quick fixes, the pattern becomes a confusing mess. When viewed in a more linear way, there is a continuity which is undeniable.

I hope something of what I've written is of help. It has helped me. Sorry it took me so long to verbalize. I was still putting it together as I wrote this post. The time had come to do this. I'm not done.
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