Recovery/Healing

[Tangled Web]

Thanks orek. I saw T today and we talked more about this. It has always felt wrong to acknowledge these things as actual accomplishments and we still flip flop a lot but I want to see them as accomplishments. So That is what I will be fighting for. We had a really good session today. She bought us a cake and put candles on it and sang happy birthday to us. She got Alysia and Emily the frozen dolls-Elsa and Anna. Totally unexpected but very sweet.

T said something to me today that fit so much for us but I am feel I am still missing a piece and I am trying to figure it out.
She said that it could be easier for us to blame ourselves rather than accepting that we had no power and control. That we feel more comfortable in that place of accepting the blame than to be in the place of feeling powerless and not having any control. She is right. I know she hit the nail on the head for us but I guess what I am trying to figure it out is why?
I know that I get completely freaked out when I feel I don’t have any power or control so it makes sense that it would be easier to take the blame for things instead. But something is still missing. I can’t make sense of it. I feel like it is right there just beyond my reach but I can’t get there. I don’t understand it.
I know they were children and they didn’t have any power and control. The adults were bigger and they had the power so why would we be afraid of losing something we never really had in the first place? And why does that thought of us not having and power and control terrify us SO much. It doesn’t make any sense and I can’t figure it out. I need the missing piece. Nothing comes into my mind. It is completely blank. It is like I am just faced with a huge blank wall.
Does any of this make sense?
Tangled