Feeling Alone - A Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

[Tangled Web]

I know those feelings VERY well Charity and it is really hard.
I saw your response to my post and I am going to incorporate my response into this one.
People used to tell me all the time that they are so surprised I have come so far and been able to accomplish what we have accomplished considering.........It never ever clicked and meant absolutely nothing to me. I thought they were just saying those things to make me feel better because in my mind our story was no different than the next one.
But something changed recently-I don't know how or what exactly it was but there was a shift inside and I realized I really have come a long way.
Even the smallest accomplishments meant something and I was actually able to see them as just that--accomplishments.
A friend of mine recently told me that I always see the worst in people and that would be the first place I would go. It hurt but she was right. That is where I do go and I think the worst all the time. It hurts to have hope and it is scary because with hope in my mind always follows disappointment. And that might still be true BUT what if it isn't? What if the disappointments become less and we become stronger and healthy.
There will always be disappointments in life but it doesn't mean that we deserve to be disappointed or that it is something we caused. We always blamed ourselves for feeling disappointed--like it was our own fault and we would tell ourselves well that is what you get when you want something--like we are just meant to live life this way because it is all we deserve.
I have always been a firm believer in choice. I know I chose to believe those things and yes I had many, many reasons for doing that but now I really want to chose to believe that I can have a better life.
Even as I write this I can feel the doubts so close by and feel them start to creep into my mind. It is HARD. Maybe you can start by changing one thought that brings down. Find something solid that you have done in your life to counter act it. Like for me I was proven permanently unemployable-to me in my mind it fit because I was never going to amount to anything any ways--I have always felt stupid and useless. But looking back I realize now that they were wrong. I work full time as nurse and graduated from college with high distinction. I am not stupid nor am I useless or unemployable. That is a solid fact. So I keep reminding myself of that over and over and over again. I still feel stupid and useless but not all the time. And that is a start in my books.
I hold onto thoughts and feelings that only make things harder too. But right now when I feel myself slipping back into that I tell myself that I don't want to feel like this anymore--I don't want to think like this anymore. I chose to change this. Now I know this is a lot easier said than done but for us it is a start and maybe it can be a start for you too. I don't know if you have seen my post on the HHZ but I ran across this woman who found the courage to stand up and tell her story. She says you feel the fear but do it any ways. Every time I feel that fear right now I tell myself that. Feel the fear but do it any ways. Remarkably it has helped. I believe it is time for us to stop being our own worst enemy and become an ally to each other instead. It all starts with one small step-one small change.
I am glad you are her also and that you are reaching out. I am glad to know you.
TW