letting go

[Tangled Web]

We have been working T trying to get past this enormous feeling that talking about the dad is somehow being disloyal to him. There is ALOT more to it than this but this is what we keep getting stuck on. He is no longer with us and has been gone for a couple of years which somehow makes it worse. Like we are tarnishing his memory.

The second part of this is that we are secretly still wishing that or parents will love us. I know that is impossible-but it doesn't stop us from hoping that one day this will happen........and if we talk about the "bad" things then we are letting go of that hope/wish. We don't know how to just let it go. Thinking about it rationally doesn't help. I can pull out ALL the rationales in the world and evidence that this will NEVER happen but it changes nothing. It usually always comes back to IF we are good enough or IF we could just be who they want us to be then they would love us. And if they are unable to love us then no one will be able to love us...........I have no idea how to get past that one. It is so frustrating...........
Emma