breakthrough

[Tangled Web]

We have been on vacation this week. Didn't do anything just needed the time off, needed to just "be". Actually we went to the dentist TWICE. Something we are absolutely terrified of but we did it! Lots of work needed to be done......
Any ways after the first dentist appointment we got home and crashed HARD. Had no idea what was wrong but couldn't stop shaking or crying. I wasn't in any pain so to speak. So I reached out to our T. We have been doing some work through our writing-I emailed her. I wondered if I had just stopped fighting it long enough to let myself see if it would help. She thought it was a good idea so I did exactly that. I let the memory flood me and felt it. (well to a point). I wrote what I saw and felt like she suggested and sent it to her. I used the words...........It was such a very long night and day......The next day I still sad in a kind of shock I think. She called me. I answered the phone. I was feeling "needy". Now those feelings are never OK for me. But I had this strong urge inside and just wanted to be comforted-I told her that. She was so happy to hear that and told me that was healthy. I still don't understand that and didn't understand a lot of what she was saying to be honest.

She called me again at the end of her night and suggested that I go come her place/office and pick up the purple bear that she gave us but couldn't really take so we left it in her office. I can't believe it but I did it. I went and picked up from purple bear from her and she gave us this great big hug and we went home.

Last night we slept more than we have in two days. Today I just the lils out and they watched the movie Frozen about 4 times and cuddled with the bear. They coloured and watched the movie over and over-I feel good. Almost free-It is such a weird feeling-a good feeling. Like it is going to be ok somehow. I am not as afraid to feel so little anymore-or fearful of the lil ones...........I think it is a breakthrough for me. That is how it feels. It has always terrified me to have these people inside of me...............but I am not as afraid as I used to be. I think I feel maybe a kind of love for them or something..........definitely a kind of acceptance has happened. I have this warm and fuzzy feeling. Definitely a new feeling for me.
Thanks for listening
Michelle