Question

[Tangled Web]

I think the way we are trying to spin this inside our head-IF she is willing to do this and it was her plan ALL along-which we recently discovered last week and spoke to her about yesterday-that she can do it within the boundaries that have been set up already.
I am wondering if she will be able to keep the different boundaries straight between us?
It bothers me that this was her plan ALL along and I asked her why she didn't tell me and she told me that she didn't know it was something I needed to know. She wasn't keeping it from me-it wasn't like that-I do know that. But it bothered me.
Another thing that bothered me-and this really bothers me-is that she told me that she doesn't pick up the phone when I call. There is a reason for that--I don't call often-and the one time I called her I expected to get her answering machine but she answered the phone instead. Well I panicked and told her-I didn't expect you to answer the phone-I thought I was going to get her answering machine. Well since then, I guess because of the anxiety that had caused she doesn't always answer the phone anymore. I understand that she trying to do what is easiest or more comfortable for me-but shouldn't I have a say in that? So we did talk about that and talked about some of the others things I have said like she did ask me before if it was ok if she called me if she was concerned about me and I had said yes but that doesn't mean I would answer the phone-I might respond to her in an email-so she took that as we are more comfortable doing the email thing then the phone thing and she never called. I took that she didn't call because she didn't feel the need to which in all honesty she didn't. We ended up being ok. BUT I didn't know that she wasn't going to call unless she REALLY felt the need to-to see if we were ok.

Something about ALL this feels wrong to me. If I am supposed to ask for what I need or tell her what I think honestly-shouldn't she be doing the same thing. I understand she is trying to be sensitive to my needs and make things easier for me and she is obviously listening to what I say and taking it literally-BUT that is NOT what we want. We don't want her to jump in and FIX the problems we have by changing things like that. Does that make sense? I am very confused and a little frustrated. So she is listening to me and what I say-which she should be doing and is taking things to a whole new level of literal for me. And she is modifying things or fixing them based on what I have said-but the solution doesn't include my input-she has taken it out of hands and it feels like she trying to take care of me-there is the problem. So maybe this is part of the surrogate parenting piece we have the problem with. Now that makes sense.

There are still missing pieces to this-Like I said I am trying to work through this inside my head and haven't gotten there yet. The thing is-we have NEVER been comfortable with reaching out and it has ALWAYS caused us great anxiety-but that doesn't mean that we don't want someone there for us either. I don't know how to change that inside-make it so that it is just ok to reach out and accept the help without the anxiety. But I do know that her changing things so try to remove that part isn't helpful to say the least. And I can't help feeling like she has a hidden agenda for us-and I am not saying that she is doing this to hurt us or that she has ANY malice in her actions at all because I know she doesn't and she is just trying to do what she thinks is helpful for us. I do understand that-but it still feels sneaky to me. And I don't know what to do about it-so I am trying to figure it out.
Thanks for listening.
Emma