roller coaster of feelings

[Tangled Web]

I have been trying to support to my son lately. He has been living in his own apartment for a week now with supports put in place for him because of his disabilities. We have been going to his place after work most days and helping him with we could.
I worry about him. He is not making good choices and has no idea what being independent means. He has SO much to learn but right now it is just one big party with all his new found freedom he has. We did have one good visit with him where he was receptive to my instructions and ended up getting a lot of work done in his place. We left feeling ok but the next time we saw him all those feelings came back. It is so hard to watch him do the things he does and have to step back and let him make his own mistakes.
The worker he has is still annoying me, not sure I like the guy.
I know my son is in a transition place right now. I know it is going to take time.
What I didn't expected was the triggers to hit me so hard.
When he was younger I fought so hard to get him the help he/we needed but failed. He fell through the cracks and all I could do was fight that losing battle. Now he is back working with people again and having a worker and I am reminded of those past events and it hurts my heart.

This is an area in my life I could never really get a handle on. I just muddled through things trying to push everything away. Now it is back once again. Funny how years ago (Approx 6 years) when we hit an all time high in crises with him and ended up going back into therapy to get support to deal with those things and this was the one thing that couldn't be dealt with. And it feels like it is happening ALL over again.
I have emailed my new T now and tried once again to open up that door but once again I am not heard. My old T was more into telling me I just had accept things and missed the point completely. The T I have now wants to teach me ways on how to parent a difficult teenager. That is NOT the problem. People always go with trying to help me parent him. But this is about me not him. He is the trigger for the feelings I am feeling and he is part of the reason but there are other things attached to it.
And one of the biggest problems I have right now with ALL of this is that I don't want to do it. I don't want to open up those old wounds, I don't want to go there. I just want it to all GO AWAY. I have no idea anymore what the problems really are or what I need........I hit a wall. So I am back at muddling through things and trying to push it all away again. The only things is that I need to be there for my son and I won't abandon him so this sh*t doesn't go away, it is always brought back up and gets smashed in my face.
I get so angry. And then I have step back and end up feeling so hurt. The roller coaster of emotions I go through in a matter of minutes makes me feel sick. It feels so unstable.
Thanks for listening.

[mosaic]

i wish i could think of something helpful to say. i am here listening and sitting with you if you would like.

[MakersDozn]

We're listening too. And sending strength and support.

MDs

[Tangled Web]

Thanks guys I really do appreciate it. I wish it wasn't hard to be just heard by people. I don't understand why people will just go into this "fix it mode". It is almost like it is automatic. They see problems between a parent and a child and they automatically go into teaching the parent how to "manage" their child and trying to teach all these tools and somewhere along the lines they just stop listening. It stops being about the problems I feel I have and the focus is changed to how fix things. How can anyone try to "fix" anything when they have absolutely no idea what the problems are to begin with? And the reasons they have no idea what the problems are is because they have f*ck*ng stopped LISTENING! And because they have stopped listening they stop asking the right questions and miss the whole point of this to begin with.
I have tried so hard to just get people to understand where I am coming from but it never works. I have tried opening up doors from within and telling people especially the old T we had, what is bothering me and it always seem to go over their heads. I don't understand it. I know I am not the best at discussing things and it is hard to make sense out of things even for me and if I can't make sense out of things then how the hell are they going to but isn't that their job? Isn't that their job to help me make sense out of things when I can't? Another frustrating part is I can't even get to that place anymore because you need someone to just f*ck*ng listen to you before they can help you make sense out of things.
My son is challenging, yes I know that. He has disabilities, yep know that too. He is impulsive and makes bad choices, yep got that one also! That is the thing.....I don't need anyone to describe my son to me! I don't need anyone to tell me how I should handle him or that this approach usually works best with these types of disabilities. Do they honestly think I am that clueless? Do they honestly think I didn't read the hundreds of books out there to try to help my son?
This isn't about him! This is about the extreme anger I feel sometimes when I am around him, how I want to rip his head off sometimes because of the things he has done to me. This is about how he triggers past things from my past that I have no idea how to handle. It is about how everytime I end up feeling angry or taken advantaged of or feel used by him that I want to walk away from him but I am constantly reminded of the fact that my parents disowned me and how that made me feel. It is a constant reminder that I am ALL he has in this world, and how I didn't have no one at his age. It hurts. And I feel trapped. And more than anything right now it pisses me off because once again he is a program that is supposed to be helping him with his independence and these people are NOT listening to me! So another reminder of those dark times when I brought in every f*ck*ng resource they had out there to help my son and every single one of those resources let us down. He didn't end up coming back home to live with me, all it did me doing that was open up his world to whole wack of new problems and behaviours and issues that he got so lost in. And I honestly don't think I can do this again. I don't know how. But how do I just stand back and watch his life fall apart?
I don't know what to do.
Thanks for listening.

[nats]

hi TW, it sounds horrendously complex and triggery. we're listening and offering whatever support we can.

[tweeter]

I'm here too for support and company.
take care,

tweeter

[Tangled Web]

Thank you guys for your support. We really do appreciate it.
TW

[Tangled Web]

Well my son has been threatened with eviction if he doesn't start cleaning up his act. Hopefully that message has gotten through to him.
I saw T yesterday and tried to explain things to her but it didn't go very well. Not her fault mind you, I couldn't slow things down enough to talk. It just feels like I am standing inside this big room with all the crap swirling around me and I am frozen in place. I am just there and don't know what to do. I don't know where to begin, I don't know what to say, so I just sat there saying I don't know what to do.
I was able to tell her how this has been spilling over into my every day life and she understood that it is starting to effect my life. Work hasn't been going so well. I was orientating a nurse to the job and I lost my patience with them and yelled. I NEVER raise my voice like that at work. I felt bad afterwards.
On a good note I was able to write last night, I wrote pages of stuff and sent it to T. I had to write without trying to apply any logic things or try to make sense of things. It was the only way the words would flow. I wasn't able to resolve anything but I was able to put some things into words. For some reason right now logic or having an understanding of what is going on doesn't change anything. Even though right now I know I am safe, I know that I am being triggered, I know why some of these things are happening.......but having that logic and that understanding has absolutely no effects on the feelings. It doesn't change any of the feelings.
But I do feel a little bit better today. I will put this aside for now and tuck it away and go to work. I am hoping today will be a better day at work.
Thanks for listening and all your support.
Tangled