Neediness

[MakersDozn]

I wish I could stop being/feeling so needy. It's hurting my relationships on the inside; it's hurting our collective healing and my individual healing, and it's keeping us from functioning as we need to function.

I can't stop hurting. The pain keeps coming and coming. And I feel powerless and alone.

Charity

[MakersDozn]

I want to work this through. We don't have T until Wednesday, and it can't wait until then. I don't want the pain to continue for the next five minutes, let alone the next three days. I can't let our life come to a standstill--or worse, fall apart--because of my problems.

I have unmet emotional needs from infancy. I'm deeply angry at our mother and our grandmother. I've said all this many times. I talk to our T about all of this repeatedly, and she says that I/we are making progress. But the ugliness never stops. It keeps coming and coming no matter how hard I work on it.

Right now I feel as if I'm on the verge of being consumed by all of the anger again. I keep making the same mistakes and expecting different results. I don't know what else to do.

I feel overwhelmed by post-traumatic stress. Traumas that happened over 50 years ago and never really stopped, because I see the past and the present as one and the same. I use my pain to validate my existence. I doubt whether I am real and valid. So I cling to whatever I think can prove that I am real, even if this means making the pain continue.

I don't want to make things harder for myself. I just want to believe that I'm real and worthwhile, and to be secure in the knowledge that the people who are important to me believe this. I have no foundation of Safe, Supportive Other. And when I hear people, inside or out, say that we need to love ourselves before we can receive love from others, I want to tell them to do unspeakable things to themselves.

I wish I could believe that someone hears me and cares.

Charity

[Reilly]

Sorry you are struggling. I think you nailed it when you said we all need to feel worthwhile and that we matter. Sadly, some of us matter more than others. I wish I knew why. While we can do nice things for ourselves it does help to be recognized by others and have a supportive network.
Hope things calm down a bit until you can see your therapist.
Sitting with you.

[nats]

the whole loving yourself is a weird thing people say when their trying to be helpful - it's probably true but it doesn't really make any sense as a starting point - kinda sets the bar impossibly high for anyone who's spent a lot of early life being rejected. don't know if that's you but sounds like you feel like that's you.

makes more sense to us to think about finding joy in things that don't relate to other humans accepting us - e.g. animals and landscapes and art and such. these don't reject us. these are trustworthy. humans aren't. some are good and a lot aren't. guess what we're saying is choose your humans carefully b/c many aren't worth the effort of needing them. that sounds harsh doesn't it. not sure where this was supposed to be going..

[MakersDozn]

(03-16-2014, 04:23 PM)Reilly Wrote: Sorry you are struggling. I think you nailed it when you said we all need to feel worthwhile and that we matter. Sadly, some of us matter more than others. I wish I knew why. While we can do nice things for ourselves it does help to be recognized by others and have a supportive network.
Hope things calm down a bit until you can see your therapist.
Sitting with you.

Hi Reilly,

Thank you for sitting with me. I hope that you and your children are well.

I'm trying to get through this. We did not go to the laundromat or the grocery store like we were supposed to, and that's because of me. I'm disappointed in myself but not surprised.

Take care,

Charity

[MakersDozn]

(03-16-2014, 05:56 PM)nats Wrote: the whole loving yourself is a weird thing people say when their trying to be helpful - it's probably true but it doesn't really make any sense as a starting point - kinda sets the bar impossibly high for anyone who's spent a lot of early life being rejected. don't know if that's you but sounds like you feel like that's you.

Yes, and I agree. It's like looking for a first job and finding that companies are only hiring people with experience.

(03-16-2014, 05:56 PM)nats Wrote: makes more sense to us to think about finding joy in things that don't relate to other humans accepting us - e.g. animals and landscapes and art and such. these don't reject us. these are trustworthy. humans aren't. some are good and a lot aren't. guess what we're saying is choose your humans carefully b/c many aren't worth the effort of needing them. that sounds harsh doesn't it. not sure where this was supposed to be going..

Yes, this does make sense. Choose your humans carefully. I've not done this in the past, and our system has paid for it.

Thanks and take care,

Charity

[mosaic]

Charity,

the pain of unmet emotional needs is very deep - and we understand the anger that comes from it. we also understand how it makes loving the self so difficult -

we also recognize not feeling valid and real

all we can say is we hear you -and understand as best we can

[MakersDozn]

Thank you, mosaic. I appreciate the validation and the support. I started to type "we," but then I changed it to "I" so that I could acknowledge my right to claim the validation as an individual. It's hard to be good to myself. Considering that I find it so easy to be good to others....well, that's for another thread.

I feel better now. I'm trying to sit with the Feeling Better Now and enjoy it.

Take care,

Charity

[Tangled Web]

We are glad you are feeling better now Charity. There were so many things we had thought to say to this post but couldn't get the words out.

[MakersDozn]

Hi TW,

Thank you for replying even though you didn't say everything that you wanted to say. I appreciate your support.

I'm hoping that I can remain in a calm and peaceful place.

Take care,

Charity

[Tangled Web]

We also hope that Charity, we truly do admire your strength.

[MakersDozn]

One thing that does give me hope is that lately, after I talk with our T about these difficult issues, I feel better afterward. I feel more unburdened and more okay about myself. It's definitely in small increments, and I know that I have a long way to go. But it is getting better.

Take care,

Charity

[Tangled Web]

That is great news. Thank you for sharing that. It is nice to see there might actually be hope there and there is a light even if small one on this journey.