Struggling and Need Encouragement

[MakersDozn]

I'm struggling. More than I have been in a long time, and it hurts. The others remind me to state that we're safe, which we are. But I feel absolutely horrible.

I'll try to explain without going into the history of it all. That's probably a distraction from the real issue, which is me being overwhelmed by feelings. (The last sentence sounds so rational that I'm afraid that people won't believe that I feel overwhelmed.)

I am an adult that feels unable to function as an adult. I want to do the right thing for everyone inside. But I feel hopelessly stuck on feelings of sadness, anger, and resentment over not having had the childhood that I wanted and needed.

I can't let go of the pain I felt throughout those years, and a part of me doesn't want to let go of it. A part of me insists on magical thinking and wants to remain entrenched in this position until I get what I want. And I'm not getting what I want. I'm only getting more misery.

It's imperative to our collective well-being that I work these issues through. I've stepped back from my adult responsibility, my responsibility to our system, 17 years ago because I couldn't handle it all. Back then I was overwhelmed simply by the fact that we were becoming known to each other, and our count had nearly tripled. Even though I'm only 25, I've always seen myself in a "motherly" role, and I just couldn't handle being responsible for the well-being of so many people.

If I felt overwhelmed 17 years ago, when we were only at that stage of our collective and individual healing, is it possible to imagine how overwhelmed I feel now, now that we know so much more about ourselves and each other, and about life? I can't possibly explain how overwhelmed I feel now.

But I have to move forward, because our well-being depends on my doing so. Our T tries to encourage the others not to expect more of me than I feel I'm ready to handle now. I appreciate that. But there's no getting around the fact that I have to start acting like an adult now.

I want to go to bed and never get out from under the covers again. I want us all to be well and happy. I want to hide in the pain that I fear losing, because being out in the world means being vulnerable and constantly feeling alone and isolated. I want to be the me that I've always envisioned, but I'm overwhelmed by the me that I am.

Charity

[mosaic]

all sorts of disjointed thoughts that i can't put together float through my mind as i read your post - mostly recognizing the pain and how hard it is to let go of that magical thinking, and believing that there's no way to be the adult while still feeling the pain and sadness and anger

it's definitely scary to face being vulnerable

hope we're hearing you correctly... we are listening

[Tangled Web]

I am offering you all support I have Charity to give. I can understand what a difficult place you are in and how overwhelming it must be. I am so sorry you are going through this.
I believe you are very courageous person by trying to take the right steps to get where you want to be!
Take care Kathy

[MakersDozn]

(02-09-2014, 07:49 PM)mosaic Wrote: all sorts of disjointed thoughts that i can't put together float through my mind as i read your post - mostly recognizing the pain and how hard it is to let go of that magical thinking, and believing that there's no way to be the adult while still feeling the pain and sadness and anger

it's definitely scary to face being vulnerable

hope we're hearing you correctly... we are listening

Hi mosaic,

Yes, you hear me correctly. Thank you. And I identify with your experience of disjointed thoughts (and feelings).

This is what comes up for me now:

Self-help resources often talk of "reparenting," that is, the adult self acting as a "good parent" and nurturing the child self in the present day. I see this idea as flawed. If we don't have positive nurturing experiences in our past history, how is our adult self supposed to demonstrate nurturing? We can't bake a cake when there's no flour in the canister. [Metaphor from Laura.]

Another reason that reparenting doesn't work for me personally is that I can't be the "adult me" and the "child me" at the same time. If I'm feeling vulnerable, I'm almost certainly the "child me," and I can't be expected to summon the "adult me" to help me through those feelings.

So how do we bring healthy nurturing into our life as a healing experience, given these limitations? Our T says that the therapist-client relationship (which in our case is a healthy one) is one way. But beyond this, what tools do I have?

Thank you for encouraging me to sort out my thoughts.

Charity

[MakersDozn]

(02-09-2014, 07:52 PM)Tangled Web Wrote: I am offering you all support I have Charity to give. I can understand what a difficult place you are in and how overwhelming it must be. I am so sorry you are going through this.
I believe you are very courageous person by trying to take the right steps to get where you want to be!

Thank you for saying that I'm courageous. I don't feel very courageous, but I appreciate the encouragement.

I have to resist the temptation to isolate. The outside world can be a frightening place for me, but the more I stay away, the more isolated I feel.

Charity

[The People]

We understand the statement about being overwhelmed by feelings. Mostly because it is a state that we visit so often and have done so over the years. What helps us when we get to the overwhelmed is to focus on small physical tasks.

When we moved into the apartment we were overwhelmed by the mess. Ana analogy coming here. between being overwhelmed and physically hurt there was no way we could do all of it at once. Some people could; mostly male or somebody with help but not me. So I started focusing on one area. The first thing we did was to put the bed together. It was hard and still looks odd as the frame doesn't fit properly. But since our bed (or writing) is where we go when we feel overwhelmed that got done first. Bit by bit we moved pieces. We are not done but it is taking form.

I try to apply that logic when I am overwhelmed. What feelings need tending to first? Am I safe? Have I eaten? If I haven't remembered to shower that day I go and have one. Focus on the everyday stuff that is normal. Then I choose the tools, writing, colouring, letter to T...

Just like my new apartment our working through the emotions can not be dealt with in a day. So we pick what is easiest not to hide from. Notice I said easiest and not easy. Chances are some of the emotions are not just yours. And you know what? The overwhelmed is a feeling and you have shared that. Which means you have started to deal with it. You have begun. Like me putting the bed together for me.

[nats]

that makes a lot of sense the People.

[MakersDozn]

Thank you, The People and nats.

Taking small steps is a good idea. Sometimes I feel pressure to make big improvements quickly. But little things, like being mentally present during a team meeting at work, are progress.

I'm not comfortable, but I'm trying. I want us to heal. I want *me* to heal.

Take care,

Charity