Trying to Do What's Best (MT)

[MakersDozn]

I don't want to post. I'm not feeling hopeful or empowered, and I'd rather just give in to the feelings that are overwhelming me. But I know that for our collective and individual well-being, I have to try. I have to do what's best.

I was inside yesterday for our birthday. Perhaps on some level I didn't want to ruin the enjoyment for the others inside with me. They did enjoy the day, and I'm glad that I didn't stand in their way.

But all the feelings I deal with continue to overwhelm me. The body is 52 years old now, although I, the oldest inside, remain 25. We do not have a host, but I carry burdensome feelings that have been with me/us since the body was an infant.

There are many disappointments and emotional hurts that we still haven't worked through--that I haven't worked through. Instead of dealing with the pain, I created my own safe world where I was this strong, content, quiet leader who nurtured the others inside with me. I've tried to fool myself and avoid the truth, for many, many years.

The truth is that I'm really the one who's needed nurturing, and I've been using the others as a way of symbolically getting nurtured by trying to nurture them. And in doing so I become dependent on them to meet my needs, which is not fair to them.

Our therapist says that we've made a great deal of progress during the past year. She counts me among those who she sees as having made this progress. I'm glad that we're making progress and that this progress is recognizable to others, especially someone whose opinion matters to us.

But the work doesn't get any easier, and the pain continues to be overwhelming. It feels like there's a sadistic Wizard of Oz behind the curtain, operating the controls at whim to get his enjoyment by exacerbating my misery and denying my attempts to appease him.

I want to stop hurting. I want to get past the point where I feel like I'm struggling every moment of every day. I want to have hope again--real hope, not the hope based in pretense and avoidance. I want to heal and be happy, if this is possible.

So I post now even though I remain discouraged. On some level I believe that if I post, I show the rest of the world, that I'm serious about wanting to heal. And that I deserve to be healed. That I'm doing what's necessary to earn it.

Common sense tells me that I don't have to earn it, and that everyone deserves well-being. But I'm not motivated by common sense. I'm motivated by feelings.

I'm not sure what I want from other people who read this. Perhaps simply an acknowledgement that my feelings and experience are valid. And if anyone else identifies, I'd like to know. Beyond that, as much as I wish it were otherwise, the next step is up to me.

Thank you for reading.

Charity

[mosaic]

hi Charity

your post is very poignant. your feelings and experience very valid.

the desire to get past struggling every moment of every day is completely understandable.

you are not alone

[MakersDozn]

Thank you, mosaic. I appreciate your words of support.

Take care,

Charity

[Tangled Web]

Hi Charity, I admire the courage it must have taken to post this. And I agree with mosaic that “your post is very poignant. your feelings and experiences are very valid.”

I can relate to soooo much of your post. I have also created a world that I live in where I can be strong, giving, nurturing and have those leadership qualities. That describes my outside world though….different from you but it serves the same purpose for me as your role in your internal world. Most days I feel quite satisfied and fulfilled after working only to go home and be left with that empty feeling when you are sitting alone and all you have left is yourself and the feelings. That doesn’t happen every day but sometimes……..
For me I guess it is that if I do it right, or am good enough, I will then be worthy of love….that I have earned it…… and I guess I expect that feeling to come home with me but it never feels like it is enough. I put others people’s needs first before my own as a way to avoid looking at what I need………That is why I think it took a lot of courage to post what you posted because looking at what you need is so very hard for us to do. That is when the reality of all those feelings come in like hurt, loss, and the pain of struggling with things every moment of every day hits me and knocks me on my butt.
And I have said the same things I don’t know how many times…….but your words of what you want is exactly what I am looking for……” I want to stop hurting. I want to get past the point where I feel like I'm struggling every moment of every day. I want to have hope again--real hope, not the hope based in pretense and avoidance. I want to heal and be happy, if this is possible.” They ring in my ears so clearly and have been spoken so many times……..
So I hope this response shows you an understanding and that I can relate very well to what you have said and if anything…..all I can say is that I hear you and I am sitting with you and your feelings are very valid to me…..
Blue flowers being sent to you.

[MakersDozn]

Hi TW,

Thank you for telling me that you can relate to what I wrote. It's comforting, although I do wish that each of us didn't have to go through our respective struggles.

I appreciate your support.

Take care,

Charity

[Kakanutu]

Birthdays are always hard and the burden of responsibility can be tiresome and it's a lonely job.
I think birthdays cause us to reflect and bring out the pain. But the good thing about them is they pass and the day is then gone.

You deserve love. I hope you find your strength.

[nats]

your feelings are certainly valid Charity and some of us identify a lot with what you've posted. i have no suggestions, as i'm feeling increasingly stuck with similar feelings tho perhaps different reasons. it's brilliant that you can express it so clearly. sending blue flowers..

[MakersDozn]

Hi Kakanutu,

The birthday doesn't bother me. It's the body's birthday, not mine or anyone else's inside as an individual. We have separate individual birthdays, but that's another story.

The issues that I've been dealing with are long-standing and unrelated to the birthday. I appreciate your support. It's nice to meet you.

Take care,

Charity

[MakersDozn]

Thank you, nats. I appreciate the support and the validation.

Take care,

Charity