Scared, Skeptical, and have no idea

[finlyalive]

Thank you Elizabethn, that makes so much sense. There has been so much trauma since the beginning of 2009 to present and an end is not quite in sight yet. She has been very supportive of the trauma and how it has affected us. The trauma escalates frequently and the anxiety is over the top. Honestly, with all that has happened, she and my partner have been my only support. My T believed me when the rest of the world turned their backs and threw me to the wolves. She has known from the beginning that we are we. However, she has never really addressed that in session. She has never known who was present or could even tell if there was a switch. For the longest time, that was okay. The current traumatic situation has been enough to deal with. However, it has gotten to the point that my others will no longer stand for not being heard. They have their way of dealing with everything and that has probably kept the body safe. However, as the events escalate, the switching becomes more apparent and it is really scary. I am the shell of this system. I get flicks of information when it is necessary. They take the rest away. Sometimes, I think this is a good thing, but I'm not sure. I'm really scared of what could happen as these events come to an end. I don't know what will happen. I do know that my others want to be acknowledged, but I'm not sure how safe that is. At this point, because of the current situation, we can't look for another T. We could stop seeing her, but that doesn't seem very safe either. That is why we are so scared, skeptical and just don't know what to do.

[Elizabethn]

Safety is always the first rule! Definitely do what keeps you safe.

Remember that dissociation is a gift. It's what kept you alive and sane through bad, bad stuff. The others are doing their jobs, and those jobs are always about survival, even when it doesn't look that way from your perspective. They believe that you need the stuff taken away, for reasons that make sense to them where they are coming from.

Early in my therapy work, as others were starting to come forward and make themselves known, my t was very good about helping me create a safe space for the new knowledge, feelings, etc. There are lots of ways to do this. For some people it's an internal thing. Other people need lots more external stuff to make it happen.

For example, some people can build and live in whole worlds inside their heads and very little of it will show on the outside. For others, it's super important to have ways to live outwardly as well. Multis sometimes joke about stuff like owning several different wardrobes because various people have totally different (or even just a *little* different, but still important) tastes.

For me, a lot of stuff happened through journaling. I devoted 24/7 to therapy work for some years. (I don't recommend that method btw, it's VERY intense and mind bending.) I would sit at home between sessions and write and write and write, and much of our session work would just be me sitting there while my t read and commented, talking to everyone as if they were equally present through their written words. It worked very well for us.

I think you will know when it's time to know more. Remember, those others--even the ones who seem to be pretty far "out there"--have saved your bacon many times. If some of them are acting out in unsafe ways, then it's time for them to learn what safety is in the present. It's not the same as it used to be.

[MakersDozn]

EN,

A thousand green flags for your "rant." Can you hear us applauding from there?

MDs

[Elizabethn]

I dunno if I can hear you or not. I think you have to come down the turnpike and applaud in person :-p.

[MakersDozn]

(05-28-2013, 07:19 PM)Elizabethn Wrote: I dunno if I can hear you or not. I think you have to come down the turnpike and applaud in person :-p.

Well, that can be easily arranged.

MDs

[finlyalive]

We, too, are applauding -- and whistling and doing the wave! Thank you so much. We have lead this life serving others; forever the scapegoat, forever the peace maker. It is much the same with the T as she barges through boundaries only to re-create them and throw us into a tailspin. As we spend the week trying to figure out exactly what we have done wrong when the memory seldom serves, the stress is extraordinary. Though she says she reads her emails, it is 'now' policy not to respond. Okay, I can respect rules and regulations, but why ask us to email her if she has no intention of responding? Walking into rejection is not exactly safe either. With safety in mind, perhaps it is time to keep only current events in session. We really can't risk any more damage to the system.

[nats]

what IS the point of requesting an email if you're not going to respond?

we know that some here have had fantastic experiences with their T and others not so. we all have to take responsibility for our own T experiences and keeping them productive. however, in reading this we wonder, if you have to protect from T's approach, then how much are you benefiting? it sounds difficult.

[finlyalive]

This is truly screwed up, isn't it?

[Elizabethn]

Hey, Fin, I just noticed one line in one your of posts for the first time. Did your T have you fix/examine her computer?

[finlyalive]

Yes, as a matter of fact, she did. Twice, actually and her daughters once.

[Elizabethn]

This is a major boundary violation and considered unethical by every professional organization of which I'm aware. You don't engage your client's services, ever, period. Not as a favor, not for pay, nada, zero, none, never.

If you live in a tiny community where you "have" to do business with one another outside the t relationship, that is one thing. But I'm not hearing you describing this relationship that way.

[finlyalive]

(06-28-2013, 07:09 PM)Elizabethn Wrote: This is a major boundary violation and considered unethical by every professional organization of which I'm aware. You don't engage your client's services, ever, period. Not as a favor, not for pay, nada, zero, none, never.

If you live in a tiny community where you "have" to do business with one another outside the t relationship, that is one thing. But I'm not hearing you describing this relationship that way.

We sit here knowing that this is true. Ethics and boundaries have been breached too many times. She often confuses the system. We are in a predicament that if we stop seeing her, there is no one else. We can't start over. And yet, we really haven't gotten very far with her anyway. We have only a limited time to make decisions. Ever feel like the world is crashing in?

[Elizabethn]

Oh yes, I've felt the world crashing around me many times. I hear that.

Is it because of where you live that you don't have other therapist options?

Are you getting any significant benefit from seeing her? Is continuing in this relationship truly better than not being in formal therapy at this time? How would you evaluate this from where you're sitting?

There's no rule that says you can't set your OWN boundaries, for that matter. Could you talk about what you want her to do with your emails, for example, and negotiate a minimum level of action that is acceptable to you?

I used to email my t regularly with stuff I was afraid would not get said in session, and he'd print out the emails and keep them in my file to address in session. If I felt I needed a response sooner than that, I'd say so in the subject line or first line of the email. His response, we agreed in advance, would be brief and would be designed to help tide us over till next session. Often just him responding that he'd read it and heard my distress was enough to ground me.

Did she ask you about the computers? If she set that precedent *shudder*, you could set a boundary by refusing if she asks for help again, and then tell her that you consider it a boundary and ethical violation, if you're so inclined.

[finlyalive]

We are currently in a horrible situation and looking for another T or Pdoc for meds just isn't an option. Though the Pdoc doesn't believe in MPD, he is very supportive and has been wonderful so that I don't have to go to a GP. The circumstances of this situation has drastically altered our life and though my T has breached many ethics and boundaries, she has also been supportive. Our support system is small. I have needed help with the current situation that has devastated me. Coming to terms with how things are is difficult. She has helped tremendously with that. It is just such a complicated mess...

[Elizabethn]

Oy, that is really difficult :-(. I recall now that you posted some about this before, thanks for the memory jog. Thank heavens you have a supportive p doc and not one of those jerks who treats multis like malingerers.

I hope that your situation gets more stable soon.