Another day of struggling

[Cammy]

June 13: Just feeling basically pissed off with all the anger and negativity I encounter, especially when I go to special great lengths to help. There is a saying, "Fool me once and shame on you, but fool me twice and shame on me". I guess after everything I've been through the last several months my tolerance level for other people's petty crap is at an all time low. But, I can do something about it, and that is just not put up with it or respond to it any more. Simple as that. Live and learn. It's all stuff that's keeping me moving forward and making me stronger.

[Cammy]

My host personality is going through major changes. So much life trauma and super bad anxiety issues over several months have altered my host me considerably. Unbelievable. I'm strong (despite the near constant anxiety/panic), I have zero tolerance for crap from others, I am almost completely unselfconscious in public, I express and feel emotions easily for the first time in my life, I express my opinions to others easily (though respectfully and kindly), and many other things. Total growth curve here. The constant psychological suffering has really altered things. Anyone who knows me and has seen me recently are quite amazed at the difference. I've broken through some kind of barrier and there's no going back, and I don't want to go back. One of those WOW events in life. Still, I'm having a very rough ride every single day, but that may be all part of it. Someone once said "Suffering is good for the soul." Maybe it's good for the psyche too. I know I've been pushed far, far beyond limits I thought I even possessed. I'll definitely never be the same again.

[nats]

(06-15-2013, 09:55 PM)Igraine Wrote: ..Someone once said "Suffering is good for the soul." Maybe it's good for the psyche too. I know I've been pushed far, far beyond limits I thought I even possessed. I'll definitely never be the same again.

dad always said that about suffering - we always heard it as a cop out, think it's more that suffering strengthens and develops us in both good and bad ways. at least it sounds like some positives coming out of the negatives. definitely something to appreciate and celebrate!

[Cammy]

Thanks. Strength is definitely a positive for me.

[Cammy]

So, I'm wondering what I can say next that will get me slammed, misunderstood or criticized. Seems to me that to be on the absolute safe side the best thing to do is just talk about the weather and leave it at that. Sad that it has come to this, but here we are. I would seriously entreat and advise that no one, and I mean no one, respond at all to this post. It would be both HARMFUL to me and ill advised. Just let it go no matter how tempting the urge. Stop...think...then do nothing. Friendly early warning system.

[Cammy]

Sunny & some rain today. Thunder now upsetting youngest dog. Severely psychologically difficult day. Quite punishing.

On the job: Aborted three suicide attempts today (busy day - I usually only have to handle about one person per day on average). Must be the weather bothering people out there - or the news, or their jobs/school, or stress, or a fish called Wanda, or maybe they FINALLY realize that most people out there don't really give a sh*t. They're getting younger all the time, so the reality of life is setting in earlier and earlier. Nice world we live in. Makes me all warm and fuzzy like the very start of an anaphylactic reaction.


But back to more immediate matters; did I mention the thunder? Looks like rain tonight. Oh...wait for it...here comes the downpour now. "Itsy bitsy spider crawled up the water spout..."


**NB: Please, please, please DO NOT RESPOND to this post.

[Cammy]

June 29th: So what a fine mess I've gotten myself into. My secure anxiety/panic attacks were treated form six weeks with Lorazepam 2mg 3 times a day. Guess what happens to you even after such a short use? Well, first of all, after the first month these benzodiazepines stop working, then the anxiety/panic comes back much worse. To top it off, you are now an addict...no kidding...and if you suddenly stop taking the benzos life-threatening seizures are a good possibility. These are not like any other drugs out there. The withdrawal is long and brutal. First the benzo has to be slowly replaced with Valium. Then the Valium has to be very slowly reduced over months. I am in my 8th week of Valium reduction of 5 mg every two weeks. Then, I will eventually have to go through Valium withdrawal. The side effects of this withdrawal make take up to a year until the nervous
system restores itself to normal. Lots of insomnia, physical pain, anxiety, and then some to look forward to, not that I'm having any kind of picnic right now. This can happen even with intermittent use of these drugs - they are not like any other drugs out there. PLEASE: Don't make this mistake - don't use benzos at all. Cope instead with exercise, meditation, counseling, distraction, lifestyle changes, whatever, but if a doctor offers you a prescription for Lorazepam (Ativan), Klonipin, Xanax, or any other benzo...think REALLY hard about the long road of suffering that lies ahead. It is NOT
worth it. Thousands of people with anxiety disorders are going through Hell right now because they accepted a prescription that they thought was going to help them. Even after withdrawal, they suffer for years until their nervous systems normalize. And in the end, you still have the original anxiety/panic disorder to deal with. Deal with it now and do it without benzos. I wish I had known all of this before I put that first damn pill in my mouth. It's too late for me, but if my warning spares just one person this ongoing endless agony, it will make it all a little worthwhile.

[Cammy]

Doing better. Reinstated daily exercise, mindful meditation, eating right, etcetera. Still struggling with sleep, but it is getting better. Chronic pain is being managed. Anxiety levels dropping due in great part to lifestyle changes. Still tapering on the Valium, which is HELL on the stomach. Mostly calmer now. Coping mechanisms are working. It always pisses everyone off, however, if you're doing okay. People want storm and stress. Whatever. Made my absolute last attempt to help a particular forum participant. This person just wants to do a lot of complaining but despises attempts of help of any kind. So be it. I wash my hands permanently of that problem. They say it is healthy to know when to rid yourself of the poo-poo people. Say bye-bye to Igraine forever poo-poo person. Apparently I am one in a long string of pissed off would-be supporters so this is all par for the course. Now I totally understand why no one answers this individual's posts, or leaves short five word answers - because it is a total waste of time, that's why. Yet this person wonders where all their friends have gone. Very sad really, but not my problem anymore. Sorry.

[MakersDozn]

Hi Igraine,

Glad to hear that you're doing better. We know how important it is to take care of oneself/ves, and to balance this out with reaching out to others.

We appreciate that you're hurting, but please do keep in mind that we encourage all members to communicate respectfully with and about each other. So if you're referring to someone outside MM as a "poo-poo person," please say so to avoid misunderstandings.

Hoping that things continue to get better for you.

MDs, MM Admin

[Cammy]

Please let me make it clear...I assist others on another forum, which shall be unnamed. For over a year I have been supporting someone who is more into playing mind games than actually soliciting real support or attempting to learn from others. After some seriously uncalled for and undeserved remarks towards myself, I decided that it was time to sever contact as this type of rapport was harmful to me. It turns out, several other members received some very unprovoked nasty attacks as well, and this individual has now been permanently barred from that forum. This is the 'poo-poo' person to which I refer to in my post. As you can imagine, I was very hurt and angry at this treatment. Now, it seems I wasn't the only one abused in this manner, which I did not know at the time when I made the post here.

I apologize for the confusion. I would NEVER be disrespectful to anyone on this or any forum. I was merely reporting an incident which was disturbing me a great deal. Now that this person is gone (banned) the problem is resolved, even though I am still mystified and hurt. It was my understanding that this part of the forum was
the appropriate place for anger and hurt feelings. Evidently I made a terrible error in my wording of this post. Perhaps I ought to have refrained from posting at all if I couldn't do so in a more clear manner. I am SO very sorry if I have offended. I take full responsibility for my thoughtless actions and will accept whatever 'punishment' is deemed necessary. I will understand fully if I am banned. This is most regrettable ...SORRY AGAIN.

[MakersDozn]

Hi Igraine,

Thank you for clarifying. It helps a great deal to understand that you were speaking about a situation outside of MM.

We hope it will reassure you to hear that you're not by any means the only person who's made a post that's needed clarification. It's certainly not cause for being banned from the forums. It's just part of the normal learning experience that comes from interacting in this kind of a setting.

MDs

[nats]

hi Igraine,
sounds like it was a difficult situation and no problem at all that you expressed it here. no need for apologies.

when posts are unclear (i.e. could be misinterpreted as disrespectful to someone here) forum moderators will ask for clarification. if it had been about someone here it would have been pulled as breaching MM guidelines - it would have been the post that was unacceptable, not you . in this case, you clarified and there is now no reason for someone reading later to misunderstand. all sorted and you did nothing wrong. does this make sense?

we all get angry and it's healthy and fine to express ourselves here on the Steam forum. so no worries.

[Cammy]

Igraine finds her conduct in this case to be completely unacceptable. As punishment she is banned from using this forum for a period of two weeks. During that time she is to think about the following - that incomplete information can be as harmful to others as deliberately hurtful remarks. It is easy to say that one is sorry. This self-imposed exile and period of atonement is proof positive of the absolute genuine nature of her regret for her thoughtless post. See you all in two weeks and know that Igraine will keenly miss the support she finds here during this time. It is a well-deserved and appropriate sentence.

TRULY sorry.

Igraine.

[Tangled Web]

I am sorry you feel this is necessary for you to do Igraine. You will be missed and truly do hope you reconsider your decision to punish yourself. There is no punishment necessary.
TW

[nats]

Agreeing with TW. I don't think it's fair to punish Igraine, as her system has done nothing wrong.