Another day of struggling

[Cammy]

First of all know that I am safe. I'm just having another difficult day and simply need to express the feelings. No one need even comment or reply...that's okay, it's the expression that I need right now.

Woke up in mystery tears again. Seems to happen about once a week or so. Such intense grief and pain washes over me that it obliterates everything and becomes the only reality. It always feels like this is where I have always been and this is where I'll always stay. I'm not even sure WHO is feeling this way, or if it is a kind of chorus of more than one.

Today a voice came. Told me to pull it together. I asked who the voice was, told it to identify itself. It just kept saying, "I am in you". I really insisted on identification. It told me that it was the Voice of Reason - that it was the cumulation of all my logical and critical thinking abilities. I told it that it sounded more like an internal critic than anything else. I also told it that I don't go around obeying every unidentified voice that happens to pop into my head. It's been quiet ever since. I still don't know who/what that was, but at least I got it to leave me in my misery in peace.

22+ years on Zoloft and now I'm on my own handling feelings. And with feelings, memories. The feelings that were never felt at the time the memories were made are now expressing themselves as if events just happened. So much grief, horrible grief that never was felt. All I can do is cry and hold on and know that in 24 hours or less I'll feel better. There is a mountain of this kind of thing to process. And as I weep, I hear other voices saying really unhelpful things like "do you know how funny and stupid your face looks like when you cry? Ha ha, if you could just see how stupid you look." other thoughts wander in..."Only pretty people are allowed to cry because they can still cry and look pretty doing it."

Then I start reliving Sept 11th. I was a fire fighter for 22 years and was at work watching the tv the day that this all happened. TODAY the grief finally hit me full force.

So after several hours of it, I cave in, take a prescribed benzodiazepine and wait for tomorrow to start off better, which it usually does.

[Cammy]

Yep...see...several hours later and a switch or two and all is well in the world of my little world. Just needed to vent. Thanks MM for being a sounding board for these sudden shifts in wind direction. Ah...it's good to feel better once more!

PS: Next time we will keep it down to three sentences or less. My new goal for the week.

[nats]

hi Igraine,
sounds like you dealt well with the challenges from the different voices. similarly for us, sometimes things are fine and sometimes they're terrible, with no obvious external changes to explain why .

if you want to write 3 sentences or 300, we say just go ahead and do so. this isn't twitter and there are no rules on how many words you should use to express what you're experiencing .

[The People]

I am proud of you. You do not know me but I am. YOu have 2 levels of ugly to deall with. And instead of holding everything in to prove you are 'strong' you let it out. And take care of yourself. That is what strong is.

As for the voice, maybe it was the voice of reason once upon a time. Maybe they need to realize that telling you to get it together is not the voice of reason. We have others who consider themselves protectors. Only what worked in the past doesn't work now. I don't know for sure, only you know that. We got through another day.

[Cammy]

Thank you People and nats. Your support is extremely appreciated.

[dragonfairy]

Proud of you Ingraine for being able to hold it together long enough for the emotions to pass and another to come along. We find that we have the same problem from time to time and have to wait it out as well. So glad to hear that you are feeling better now though and hope that the feeling lasts for awhile!

[Cammy]

Thanks DF...it's good to know that others go through this as well, and that, like you, understand. It's also good to know that in the isolation imposed on us by what we are, that we can come here and write what we are really feeling without fear of judgment or invalidation. I don't know how I would cope without MM and the people here who share this 'disorder'. I know you are newer here than I am, but I've already seen evidence of your struggle. Yet you still can offer strength and support to others. Thank you Melissa.

[Cammy]

Yep, well, here we go again. Just letting everyone know I'm safe. I'm in my room with a loyal dog cuddled up to me for comfort, so all that part is cool.

Didn't I just go through this about 48 hours ago? One minute I'm doing fine, and the next I'm back to being totally freaked out...like really panic attacked this time more than depressed type of upset. When this happens I have no where to turn except here. By letting the expression of the feeling out, I can somehow cope so much better. I never had this outlet before, and does it ever make a huge difference when the panic and anxiety strike. Not sure about a trigger for all of this. I took a picture of myself with my computer and really couldn't believe what I saw. I didn't recognize myself at all. That can't be me, but it is. I saw the picture of someone who is self-destructing from the inside out and outside in. Can't hide it all anymore. I'm freaked. There has to be changes or things are going to keep sliding. I keep trying to make things better, but the point has come where I have to get up, physically start moving, and make the changes that will make things better. I think these little shocks are my self-preservation bits pushing me to action. But the person in the picture...even though I don't recognize what I'm seeing, it's still me and I don't like what I see at all.

[Cammy]

Still me here. Still safe. Slowly pulling it together with the help of meds and my four-legged companion. At least I get to sleep through the worst of this. Tomorrow things will be different and better. I've learned that much after all this time. It's just been such a roller coaster lately, but I know how to hold on real tight like you do when riding a bull. Okay, well I'm going to sleep on this. So glad MM was here to help keep this contained to something tolerable. Thanks MM for being there.

[dragonfairy]

(04-02-2013, 10:09 PM)Igraine Wrote: Still me here. Still safe. Slowly pulling it together with the help of meds and my four-legged companion. At least I get to sleep through the worst of this. Tomorrow things will be different and better. I've learned that much after all this time. It's just been such a roller coaster lately, but I know how to hold on real tight like you do when riding a bull. Okay, well I'm going to sleep on this. So glad MM was here to help keep this contained to something tolerable. Thanks MM for being there.

Glad to see that you are still holding on. We are having problems with the same kind of rollercoaster emotions so sorry if we dont get on every day to check to see posts. Been two days since we have been able to get ourselves online to see. But we are thinking of everyone. I see you have a animal that must be nice when times get hard. We really miss our dog alot. She was a big help when it got really hard. Our mom is trying to find us housing as right now we are living with her because we can't cope well on our own or pay to much for our own place. But when we do move she is going to try and get us a place where we can have a dog again. We can't wait. I try to just take things one moment at a time when things get really rough and if all else fails sleep some to try and make the time pass and hopefully some of the hard time will pass away. Keep up the hard work and hopefully we will be able to get back online again tonight. Have to get ready to go to "t" appointment now. bye bye

[Cammy]

Thanks DF for your words of support. I hope you are able to get your own place soon so that you can enjoy the remarkable bond with a dog again. Animals are the most incredible companions, aren't they? There is so much love there, and the love I feel for them is boundless. They're always there for us no matter what and totally accept us, then ask for so little in return. My whole life has been one of closeness with animals. I really hope you can get yourself an animal companion soon to share your feelings with and just to have something safe to be close to. You have a special gentleness that I'll bet animals sense right away. Best of luck in making this hope a reality.

[Cammy]

Was on the way to the D for meds and got flat tire. Had to call the clinic, explain. No appts for two weeks and Im out of meds, so they said they'd phone them in. I don't know what happened, but no one phoned it in. The clinic is closed until Monday and my D isn't back until the 18th. I was out of meds today that's why I made the appt. The flat tire happened out in the boondocks countryside. Out of my control. But now no meds. Nasty stuff is starting to happen. I'm starting to crawl out of my skin. I'm losing it. Can't go to ER because they are very nasty about USING them for med refills...even in unavoidable situations. I can hardly wait to see what shape I'm in by this time tomorrow, and then the day after that, and the day after that.

Why can't these clinics just get it right? Why can't they do what they promised they would do? What does this kind of thing always end up getting so totally kacked up? Tiny oversight on their part...major trip to the Abyss for yours truly. It was a really simple transaction...they said phone the pharmacy, explain, get them to fax your requests to us. We'll sign off and fax back. Nobody faxed back. Guess they thought it could wait until next week even though I told them I was completely out and it was urgent. Okay. I've vented. I think I'll go make a cup of tea now with about a pound of sugar in it.

Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock. OH is this ever going to be interesting.

[nats]

hi Igraine,
that sounds really difficult! might you be able to go to the ER and explain to them sweetly that helping you with prevention is going to be less work for them than the alternative if you decompensate? some people who are rushed off their feet in ER are better able to grasp concepts when they know how it benefits them take care of yourselves and hope your weekend is not too rough.

[Cammy]

Thanks nats...that's a good idea to keep in my back pocket. At least it gives me something to hang onto. Good suggestion about showing the ER staff how I'm trying to prevent a bigger scenario, especially when the whole thing was not my fault and that I was trying to get my meds when the unforeseen occurred. Yes, really good thought there nats - they can help me with my prescription now, or deal with a bigger, preventable mess later. Thanks for the perspective. I always appreciate your input and value it greatly.

[Cammy]

Another night of struggle has come upon us. We are safe, but feel lousy. We are SO angry that our meds got messed up and now have none until who knows when. My regular GP, who has been my friend, doctor, and anchor for over 20 years, who first realized I was DID, and who totally understands us, has been on indefinite leave for several months now due to severe, unrelenting depression. We have been left with doctors who don't understand/realize/have a clue...who haven't stood by me and witnessed the last 20+ years to know that you just don't casually overlook giving me my medication when I run out (especially when I did everything that I was asked to do to make it happen). I hope they're all having a jolly good weekend with their "whoops, I knew there was something I forgot to do before I left in a huge hurry for holidays Thursday, oh well, tee-hee, these things happen". Meanwhile I pay the price for an oversight borne out of sheer apathy. I even talked to the doctor on the phone when my car had the flat and she told me what to do and how we could get around it. I specifically informed her that both myself and my mother were completely out of medication, and that it was urgent that these Rx get filled. You would think that just might have stuck out in her mind a wee bit. MY doctor would never have let this happen. He was too often witness to the consequences. He understood the gravity and urgency of the situation. I'm tired of explaining, of justifying, of proving, of having to educate and edify, over and over and over again.