Isolation and Trust Issues

[MakersDozn]

Most of the time, we vastly prefer our own company to the company of others. The outside world is filled with noise, and to us, other people are part of that noise. (For the past 24 years, we've commuted to work in Manahttan, from a suburb about an hour east of there.) We isolate to preserve our own sanity, to allow us the physical and mental space to breathe, to be free of the stress and the exhaustion caused by having to be around others.

And as a multiple, we feel like an alien in the outside world, a world where singleness of mind is the norm. We isolate because we think that other people in the outside world won't understand us.

But when we isolate, we feel isolated, at least once in a while. We have no one other than our T and the people at MM who we trust enough to ask for support. We don't trust, because we've experienced 50 years of people violating that trust.

So how do we resolve this problem without continuing to traumatize ourselves? We don't know. It's a balance between challenging ourselves and being mindful of our own safety. But in the meantime, it would help us to know that other people here understand what we're going through, and how they've dealt with it, and/or what keeps them from dealing with it.

MDs

[mosaic]

we totally understand what you say here. we tend to isolate as much as is possible (with a husband it isn't 100%)

we love what we do for work, and find that it's still draining even though it isn't with LOTS of people... and so when we get home we're ready to have down time...

then we feel isolated, and even beat ourselves up for not "gettng out there" with friends, etc... but truthfully that's more exhausting.

we have only shared our multipleness with a choice few friends, and mostly keep it to ourselves for fear of rejection, as well as needing to keep a professional presence in 3D for our work. i think where we live now one person knows besides hubby, and she's been trustworthy.

we believe it's a real difficult balancing act, honoring the introvert aspect of our nature while trying to not leave us feeling totally isolated too... for us it's complicated in that marketing our practice is something we feel we "should" be doing, but it takes far too much energy and that's where we get overrun by anxiety/fear of rejection.

i think i've rambled on... but we totally resonate with your dilemma of not wanting to be isolated and needing to be safe.

[MakersDozn]

Thanks, mosaic. We're glad to hear that you understand, although we also empathize with the challenges that these issues pose for you.

Allegra and others
__________

(Talk of anger)

Spoiler

The anger is always there. It never goes away. And yet I can't allow it to go away. Without the anger, who am I? Will I even exist? Even though I hate my existence, and I crave nothingness, the conflict leaves me paralyzed, and the feelings build and build, increasing the conflict within until all I want to do is explode.

Rachel

[mosaic]

hi Rachel

yeah, it's hard when a feeling like anger is so big and all encompasing and yet it's who we are. it's hard to realize that we are people who FEEL anger, not anger itself. we went through a real process with our t to figure out that we feel anger instead of being anger... it was painful and hard and don't even know if we could describe it. and even if we could, as you (MDs) always say (and we love it), YMMV...

we want to say something reassuring here... and feel like it sounds corny so we hesitate... from our experience we know that we exist without BEING anger... we believe you do too. it's scary to trust as a way to find out, though... that old thing trust is real scary.

[MakersDozn]

Yes, that makes sense. Our T has probably said something similar at least once, but I probably didn't hear her say it.

Thank you.

Rachel

[tweeter]

Hi,
Normally, I'm balanced between introversion and extroversion. I like to have people around me, but I need a lot of space. I'm both a delightful, out-there ham, and a private, focussed person, who needs to block out the exhausting stream of news, nonsense and distraction all too common in daily life.
When I have no healthy outlet of meaningful expression, and fear of rejection takes over because I have nothing to show for myself, my outgoing nature might present as looking to impress others. It's to make up for the lack of regard I have experienced in life, both for my person and for what I am. It doesn't work socially, and not inside either. I'm working on this.

I can talk to almost anyone. Often choose the communal table at a restaurant, though I listen more than anything at this point. I guess I've lost interest flapping my gums, and never was that interested to begin with.

I feel like an alien as well. I could easily earn myself one heck of a psych rating due to sp. beliefs and martial arts practices that differ from accepted public knowledge,the creative framework of my life.

Anyone who is significantly different from major segments of the population, and for whom partial or full exposure would be embarrassing or even h*rmful, faces a high degree of protective distancing, to the point of isolation.
An exception would be a person who has a good cover (Clark Kent or Bruce Wayne, to give graphic examples). Even then, it's tricky. The double life works best in one's favor if both the cover and inner being are engaged and Alive In Life.
Unfortunately, I missed my opportunity to do this at age 19, and didn't realize until this year that I needed that kind of outside social image, as well as the possibility for real financial success, as much as my very private existence (which at that point had no direction).

The road I took by default didn't work, and I don't know how I expected it to. In conforming to other people's expectations of me (born of their need to keep me in a place they had selected for me for their convenience, which eventually amounted to abuse), I lost out. When things went full circle in a way, and I had another sort of opportunity that comes once in a lifetime, I balked. again. The past has kept me in chains. I'm dealing.

I have found that trusting in someone who cannot, or would not be able to accept me is risky business.
Trust involves respect, honor, and good feelings. It also involves "rules and limitations," for the welfare of all involved. I would include in such an agreement between/among people, trust in the self(ves).
Also, there are degrees of trusting. And that's all right. Know where you stand. That's how to stay relatively safe.

A true story.
I had mentioned in another thread how I re-centered, at a point of being in early childhood, before my behavior had been affected by m*str**tment and unfortunate imprinting. I felt myself settle into my true heart. I was home. This was inspired by nonverbal contact with some little neighbors in my current abode, the building where I spent most of my childhood. That's how I found my way back. Something else had opened the way. The details aren't for here.
Thing is, soon after the way opened (but I didn't know to what at the time), I started to feel more vulnerable. A couple of years after, I wondered about protecting myself. I let my imagination wander and found myself back at the m*th*r's ways. That was the only defense I knew! Over recent months, I have refused this option. I would find another way. I relaxed.
I acted naturally as myself, without barbs, without that edge that made me increasingly uncomfortable and didn't accomplish anything, other than to foster dislike from other people. It worked. I'll go on from there. It won't work the same all the time. Okay.

Basically, I'm a gentle, dreamy, rational sort, and sometimes a bit wild. All of that needn't be on display, which helps to keep safe. I was an open book, and that's no good. Ironically, few believe a person who acts like that.
The current unblocking makes me safe in myself. The negative introject is losing its hold as a reflex response to stress.

As for trusting people, I try not to. I was naturally trusting, but that's not advisable as the world becomes more chaotic, and people fearful, willing to be talked into just about anything. Like you, I've been betrayed too often.

My feeling is don't show your cards, but stay of the world at least part of the time. Somehow, build your own power base and participate! If you can, conduct your life as you would a business. Which means that deep personal relationships would not need to be a part of it unless that was your choice. It's your choice whether to let someone in or not.

My personal decision is that after trainman, no one else gets in. (Yes, it did happen fast, and he's welcome back, maybe.) But, my friends, if I weren't ill, I'd be active in this world.
I wish I had done this in years past. Wrong jobs and associations and loneliness, like an avalanche of error. My 6th grade teacher had it right. I needed to be trained in the arts, make a good living doing something I loved, and be independent. She said I'd find serious interests and everything else on my own. Bingo.

My friends, I understand what you're talking about, as far as I can. I cloistered myself, and fm contributed to that. I think he's afraid. Even when he travels, he's in a burrow. I can't stand it for me.

Life is a dance, many dances. And I pretty much sat out the whole d***** thing. I don't wish that for you.

tweeter

[MakersDozn]

Thanks, tweeter.

We appreciate knowing that you care.

Take care,

Charity

[Cammy]

Trust is So big for us it has led to a lifetime of isolation. But a few select have been found who know and accept what we are. The energy to be multiple out there in the world is huge...no wonder we need so much down time just to recuperate and get ready for the next carefully orchestrated volley. Not that this is overly useful, but I understand, and also stand on the outside looking in.

[MakersDozn]

Yes, Igraine, the energy needed to be multiple is huge. Thanks for your support and understanding.

MDs

[Tangled Web]

Hi MDs. We have been following your posts and have tried to come up with something helpful to say to you. What you write about rings so true for us also and we have yet to find any answers. We isolate all the time, for us it is the safest thing we know how to do, our judgement is not something we can trust and i am not sure how to even get the trust back in our judgement. And when we think we do have something we want or at a place we want to be, we question whether or not it is just an illusion or if it is "real". So I just wanted you to know that we are thinking of you and sending you blue flowers in friendship and wish we could be more helpful.
Take care
TW

[The People]

We hear ya. Going through a lot of this ourselves; especially since moving to the city. It is a hard place to make friends so we spend more and more time alone. Especially since we stopped working. We have also realized that, due to the dark place caused in part by all of the physical stuff, we pushed old friends away as well. One was quite rude about it when we called her on stuff. We try getting involved in things but it turns disasterous or expensive in most places. Church helps although there have been a few run ins there of late. We have never felt this alone in a long time. I think it is because we are not working which really sucks. I wish I had warm words of wisdom. I know you have volunteered in the past. Is that a possibility again? Something small with little noise? That is what we have done. We have been at once for over 2 years but we think it is time to move on. The other is trade off for yoga time. That is a quiet place as we have to go before classes start. We do cleaning which has had an amazing impact on our home life. We are actually working on cleaning our home. We used to get really overwhelmed by it but we just do a bit at a time and because we clean in a place where there are usually a few people around it feels safe. And actually meditative. The yoga room is long and we spend a long time just running the broom up and down. We play music on the IPod. It helps a lot.

Anyway, giving you a whole lot of nothing here. I do hope you find an answer that works for you.

[MakersDozn]

Hi TW and The People,

Thank you both. We appreciate both of your replies.

One thing that we didn't mention is the scarcity of time and physical (and mental) energy in our life. For the past three years, our father has had health issues (which are stable now, although he was in crisis for a while). He has had to give up some of his independence, and that has put the onus on us and our two brothers to spend time and energy helping him with certain things.

We do agree that volunteering has value. But at this point, beyond being an admin here at MM, we don't have much left in our energy tank to volunteer elsewhere.

Thanks again,

MDs

[nats]

(03-21-2013, 10:09 AM)MakersDozn Wrote: But at this point, beyond being an admin here at MM, we don't have much left in our energy tank to volunteer elsewhere.

and you are a valued admin here at MM . reading People's post above, it clicked we've done exactly the same - completely isolated b/c it was so hard to make new connections in a city. we've just moved to a smaller city and now realising part of that was the hope of becoming less isolated - time will tell.