Difficulty Talking About Things

[MakersDozn]

We've been a part of MM and its predecessor, Divided Hearts, for a total of over 15 years. We've always found this site to be the one place where we can truly be ourselves. And we've had no problem saying what's on our mind, what we're feeling, what we've been dealing with.

Until lately. During the past year or so (rough estimate), we've just not been comfortable talking. It's not because of MM or other people here; this is still the best place for folks like us to find and give support. But the stuff we're dealing with is just so emotionally intense that it reaches down into the deepest level of who we are, into the deepest and longest-lasting emotional pain in our history.

This pain, and the memories that go with it, have been so instrumental in forming how we see the world that to work through it would destroy the very foundation of who we are. Of our sense of security, stability, identity. Or so it seems.

So we're stuck. Or so it seems. We've written about this feeling more than once lately. Maybe we are making progress, but it's so achingly slow that we don't see it. We're tired of hurting. We want to move forward and find peace.

Does anyone else identify with this? How do (or did) you deal with it? We could really use some encouragement.

Thanks,

MDs

[nats]

We can identify with a lot of what you're discussing. For very different reasons, we've found ourselves communicating and reaching out less and less during the past couple of years to the extent that we only use the phone when there is absolutely no alternative. don't know why. it just seems to require too much effort. we're just fundamentally stuck in terms of any of our internal goals, whether we talk or not. we're not dealing with deep, difficult stuff, just with daily surviving. the only thing that's helped us get round this ongoing unwillingness to talk is forcing ourselves to at least talk about work or non-personal things. its not much tho.

[MakersDozn]

Thanks, nats. We appreciate that you identify with at least some of what we wrote, and the reverse holds true as well. It helps us feel a little less freakish.

MDs

[tweeter]

Bingo, encouragement on its way. Some sp. included.

"But the stuff we're dealing with is just so emotionally intense that it reaches down into the deepest level of who we are, into the deepest and longest-lasting emotional pain in our history."

"This pain, and the memories that go with it, have been so instrumental in forming how we see the world that to work through it would destroy the very foundation of who we are. Of our sense of security, stability, identity. Or so it seems."
____________________________________
As a monomind, I'm in a similar processing boat. Not the same, but good enough for people to find a common ground of comfort.

I had been, unknowingly, searching for my emotional state of being, before the m*th*r's negative introject influence took hold in myriad ways, and before the continued, and now escalating ab*s* I have s*ff*red in this world, especially from, though not restricted to, m*d*c*l personnel.

My current work began with a question, which I believe I've mentioned: How did I arrive where I am in this life?" I wrote in another MM thread. The challenge was finding the right beginning. To do that, I just let myself go. I mean, when was I at peace? When did I feel like I did with trainman? It happened.

(I'm sure that one reason I am so affected by trainman is because he made this journey possible, because I was There the instant we met. Maybe something happened inside him too, that he would rather not deal with. I don't know. But, I have embraced it, and am getting results alone which I would like to share with him. I'm a better person for it.)

Much is nonverbal. I eventually express something, as I will at the end of this discourse (might be more than one post because I have wireless connectivity issues). But, details of the process itself, No. To force that would compromise the whole thing. In fact, I'm not aware of the entire process, which goes beyond the atypical awareness I am capable of.

MDs, I think that writing about what is going on inside of you when you don't want to would not be good, and could confuse. Especially as you have more than one who is dealing, the individual interpretations of all that is involved.
There is a settling process that is not going to be identical across the board and has to be acknowledged. As this occurs, you will be able (if you choose) to express yourselves. Until such time(s), it makes perfect sense to me if you maintain boundaries of silence that you need to attend to your lives.

It is thru the investigation that you pursue that you will Find that foundation of self which is covered up to some extent by the misery that was imposed upon it from outside sources.

If you are afraid, that process could be blocked. My dear friends, I can only relate what I know from my experience and hope it extends. It has sp. implications (i.e., possible travel of sp. from life time to life time), involves the biological realities (not all of which are known) of a human being.
I'm having a difficult time in 3D right now in a lot of ways. I should be feeling like I'm going to pieces. I'm not. I feel solid in that state of being which I am now allowing to live once more, no matter what.
I think it is possible to do what you seek without having the foundation of your being blown to blazes, simply because I feel your sp. is whole. That's how it came to be here. That's my feeling. Does this apply to all humans on earth? I don't know.

I am not using memories as such. I remember how I felt inside, pre-verbal, going way back, and I re-centered there.

I had become centered in a martial arts persona, indeed, very much my nature, which was not correctly secured to the totality of my psyche. It's an educational factor, which is ignored by the masters, at least nowadays. I can't get into this because it touches on information that I can't relate.
It's obvious to me that there's a difference between energy centers and the center of one's sp. So, I'll say I found the original face, to borrow a phrase, of how I was born, this time. I also found it somewhat older, before the damage had been done.

This original, I feel as "good" and alive. It feels like a resting newborn could feel. Vague internal vision is an almost transparent white light, with tints of light pink, and other pastels I think. The somewhat older version (probably 2-3 years old), not visualized internally at all, is different. I'm not getting these as separate entities. It's a developmental process in my heart.
There was a time when I wasn't nervous and frightened and so forth, and I can get back there, instead of being shoved into a bad place. Somehow I have to not go to the bad space when certain bad things happen. Because then I don't have a chance to fix them. I need to Be Me. Even then, I might not prevail. Not a guarantee of success. It's just a Way. It's not the same as imagining a place, like sitting under a tree. It's settling into the self(ves) with surety.

In thinking on a self with many selves contained and real, I can understand some of your identity concerns. It's not going to be easy. For each personality or essence, and not all appeared at the beginning, the same process of settling has to occur. It's mind boggling except for a thought that the connections among them can be used to help some to not have to reinvent the wheel all the time.

I am tired of hurting and being hurt. I've had it! I know I wrote some things to trainman that must have driven him up a wall. I questioned after where that venom was coming from. I found the main source, negative introject (mother), and something else that gets into the esoteric martial arts field. I think I've just about fixed most of this. Sometimes an apology doesn't work though.

My current question is, "What is there about me that allowed me to speak in certain ways?" A defense mechanism, maladaptive, comes into it. The developmental process, during which time a child learns by imitation. That works. But, there are certain things I rejected outright, even as a child. So, what happened? That's what I'm working on now. I dropped it into my unconscious and something will rise up when it does, when I let it, etc.
This will affect my view of myself. It has to. As I am prone to accepting and loving myself, and using what might be a flaw in one situation as something that can be channeled positively into another, I have some sense of security.
In that same internal feeling of my original self here, I saw something in the level below. It was so close. Maybe that's why kid's get scared of the unseen. And this presence is carried into the religions. So, what is it? The Taoist circle with the two parts, light and dark, each having a point within of the opposite, might be default explanation I will work with. Each of us has different tendencies -- inborn, learned. Who the heck knows the relative power of these in every person? I wouldn't trust a textbook for this one.

Have faith in yourselves. And don't be afraid of yourselves. You already know that all that att*cks you is not of you. And, I know that too, even if your p**n is unknown to me.

I'm going to add something to an additional post. It doesn't belong in this one. That is the most encouragement I can offer.

your friend,
tweeter

[tweeter]

(11-23-2012, 01:41 PM)tweeter Wrote: Bingo, encouragement on its way. Some sp. included.

"But the stuff we're dealing with is just so emotionally intense that it reaches down into the deepest level of who we are, into the deepest and longest-lasting emotional pain in our history."

"This pain, and the memories that go with it, have been so instrumental in forming how we see the world that to work through it would destroy the very foundation of who we are. Of our sense of security, stability, identity. Or so it seems."
____________________________________
As a monomind, I'm in a similar processing boat. Not the same, but good enough for people to find a common ground of comfort.

I had been, unknowingly, searching for my emotional state of being, before the m*th*r's negative introject influence took hold in myriad ways, and before the continued, and now escalating ab*s* I have s*ff*red in this world, especially from, though not restricted to, m*d*c*l personnel.

My current work began with a question, which I believe I've mentioned: How did I arrive where I am in this life?" I wrote in another MM thread. The challenge was finding the right beginning. To do that, I just let myself go. I mean, when was I at peace? When did I feel like I did with trainman? It happened.

(I'm sure that one reason I am so affected by trainman is because he made this journey possible, because I was There the instant we met. Maybe something happened inside him too, that he would rather not deal with. I don't know. But, I have embraced it, and am getting results alone which I would like to share with him. I'm a better person for it.)

Much is nonverbal. I eventually express something, as I will at the end of this discourse (might be more than one post because I have wireless connectivity issues). But, details of the process itself, No. To force that would compromise the whole thing. In fact, I'm not aware of the entire process, which goes beyond the atypical awareness I am capable of.

MDs, I think that writing about what is going on inside of you when you don't want to would not be good, and could confuse. Especially as you have more than one who is dealing, the individual interpretations of all that is involved.
There is a settling process that is not going to be identical across the board and has to be acknowledged. As this occurs, you will be able (if you choose) to express yourselves. Until such time(s), it makes perfect sense to me if you maintain boundaries of silence that you need to attend to your lives.

It is thru the investigation that you pursue that you will Find that foundation of self which is covered up to some extent by the misery that was imposed upon it from outside sources.

If you are afraid, that process could be blocked. My dear friends, I can only relate what I know from my experience and hope it extends. It has sp. implications (i.e., possible travel of sp. from life time to life time), involves the biological realities (not all of which are known) of a human being.
I'm having a difficult time in 3D right now in a lot of ways. I should be feeling like I'm going to pieces. I'm not. I feel solid in that state of being which I am now allowing to live once more, no matter what.
I think it is possible to do what you seek without having the foundation of your being blown to blazes, simply because I feel your sp. is whole. That's how it came to be here. That's my feeling. Does this apply to all humans on earth? I don't know.

I am not using memories as such. I remember how I felt inside, pre-verbal, going way back, and I re-centered there.

I had become centered in a martial arts persona, indeed, very much my nature, which was not correctly secured to the totality of my psyche. It's an educational factor, which is ignored by the masters, at least nowadays. I can't get into this because it touches on information that I can't relate.
It's obvious to me that there's a difference between energy centers and the center of one's sp. So, I'll say I found the original face, to borrow a phrase, of how I was born, this time. I also found it somewhat older, before the damage had been done.

This original, I feel as "good" and alive. It feels like a resting newborn could feel. Vague internal vision is an almost transparent white light, with tints of light pink, and other pastels I think. The somewhat older version (probably 2-3 years old), not visualized internally at all, is different. I'm not getting these as separate entities. It's a developmental process in my heart.
There was a time when I wasn't nervous and frightened and so forth, and I can get back there, instead of being shoved into a bad place. Somehow I have to not go to the bad space when certain bad things happen. Because then I don't have a chance to fix them. I need to Be Me. Even then, I might not prevail. Not a guarantee of success. It's just a Way. It's not the same as imagining a place, like sitting under a tree. It's settling into the self(ves) with surety.

In thinking on a self with many selves contained and real, I can understand some of your identity concerns. It's not going to be easy. For each personality or essence, and not all appeared at the beginning, the same process of settling has to occur. It's mind boggling except for a thought that the connections among them can be used to help some to not have to reinvent the wheel all the time.

I am tired of hurting and being hurt. I've had it! I know I wrote some things to trainman that must have driven him up a wall. I questioned after where that venom was coming from. I found the main source, negative introject (mother), and something else that gets into the esoteric martial arts field. I think I've just about fixed most of this. Sometimes an apology doesn't work though.

My current question is, "What is there about me that allowed me to speak in certain ways?" A defense mechanism, maladaptive, comes into it. The developmental process, during which time a child learns by imitation. That works. But, there are certain things I rejected outright, even as a child. So, what happened? That's what I'm working on now. I dropped it into my unconscious and something will rise up when it does, when I let it, etc.
This will affect my view of myself. It has to. As I am prone to accepting and loving myself, and using what might be a flaw in one situation as something that can be channeled positively into another, I have some sense of security.
In that same internal feeling of my original self here, I saw something in the level below. It was so close. Maybe that's why kid's get scared of the unseen. And this presence is carried into the religions. So, what is it? The Taoist circle with the two parts, light and dark, each having a point within of the opposite, might be default explanation I will work with. Each of us has different tendencies -- inborn, learned. Who the heck knows the relative power of these in every person? I wouldn't trust a textbook for this one.

Have faith in yourselves. And don't be afraid of yourselves. You already know that all that att*cks you is not of you. And, I know that too, even if your p**n is unknown to me.

I'm going to add something to an additional post. It doesn't belong in this one. That is the most encouragement I can offer.

your friend,
tweeter

__________________________________________
Sorry, I didn't know how to not quote the above. This should also have a MT rating.

I wrote a version of what follows yesterday. As you know, I will be changing my entire name, hopefully very soon. I'm referring to the first and middle names here.
_____
It's a name I made up for a beautiful, serious, adventurous, sensitive little girl, who didn't grow up right, but is getting a second chance (at least emotionally; for the rest, it's too late). I'm learning how to protect myself without acting like the mother (or as she would have wished for me) who didn't like me. That wasn't working, and caused an immense loss.
This way, my way, I feel "good" inside, even when encountering meanness in others. It's awful when a parent's h*tr*d of a child is internalized. And it is wonderful when this is cast out. I'm thankful for sitting peacefully at this table. I've never felt this way about myself as an adult, and I'm not done yet.
rain drops on a puppy's ears

[MakersDozn]

Howdy,

Thanks for the thoughts. Haven't yet read in detail, but wanted to let you know we've stopped by.

To add a response without quoting, select New Reply instead of Reply.

Brother, SIL, and nieces are visiting. We'll reply again later.

Thanks,

Laura and others

[tweeter]

Hi,
Okay. Have a nice time. Lovely day.

Thnx,
tweets

[MakersDozn]

tweeter,

Finally getting a chance to reply.

MDs, I think that writing about what is going on inside of you when you don't want to would not be good, and could confuse. Especially as you have more than one who is dealing, the individual interpretations of all that is involved.

There is a settling process that is not going to be identical across the board and has to be acknowledged. As this occurs, you will be able (if you choose) to express yourselves. Until such time(s), it makes perfect sense to me if you maintain boundaries of silence that you need to attend to your lives.

Yes, we agree. Those who are silent are silent for a reason, and we need to respect this. We are achieving tiny bits of insight, though, so we're not completely discouraged. Patience is not our strong suit.

Have faith in yourselves. And don't be afraid of yourselves. You already know that all that att*cks you is not of you. And, I know that too, even if your p**n is unknown to me.

"Not of you." Very true. It's hard for those most directly affected to believe this, though. We're very worried about being consumed by the vastness of some of the difficult feelings. And it's difficult at times to separate past, present, and future.

I wrote a version of what follows yesterday. As you know, I will be changing my entire name, hopefully very soon. I'm referring to the first and middle names here.
_____
It's a name I made up for a beautiful, serious, adventurous, sensitive little girl, who didn't grow up right, but is getting a second chance (at least emotionally; for the rest, it's too late).

We're glad that you've come up with a name that's meaningful to you.

MDs