building support networks

[Tangled Web]

My T has been trying to encourage me to build a support system for myself. I run into this huge road block everytime I think about it. I don't understand, I guess. How do you build a support system when you can't trust? Wouldn't doing that.......building a support network mean you would have tell people about your history? How else would they be able to support you? That is something I cannot do. I understand the reasoning behind it, I just don't understand how to do it. It seems impossible to me.

[nats]

hmm, maybe this is about how you're defining support? did your T specifically suggest you develop a DID or mental health support system? for us, support would be much broader - e.g. someone we can count on to take care of the cat if we're gone, someone to have a coffee with when we need a break. people can be very supportive without having to hear the whole saga of abuse history. also, we can trust someone to take good care of the cat without necessarily 'trusting' them with the inner workings of our mind, if that makes sense?

[Tangled Web]

Yes that makes sense. But she is always teling me that I need to find some people to be there for me and to let them help me when I am going through difficult times. That is the part I don't understand. You know they are going to ask you what is wrong, and even if you don't tell them, which I never do it just feels like there eyes on you and it takes it much more work to hold it together than it would just be alone. Does that make sense?

[Tangled Web]

Another thought on this.........Don't you just wish sometimes that you had a safe person in life that it was ok to tell all your secrets too? That you didn't have to hide behind any masks or pretend that things were ok. That you felt that safety that they would never ever use anything you told them against you and you could call them up when you were having a hard time and they were allowed to hear your tears or anger or pain and they were just there for you. Don't you ever wish you had someone like that? Someone who could come over and just hold you when you cried and take care of you..........someone who could hold your hope for you when you feel you don't have the strength to hold it yourself. Do you ever wish for someone like that in your life???
I do. But even if I had someone like that in my life, I can't past the guards or the others that protect and don't trust and always have to be strong and take care of everyone else. It gets so lonely and tiresome.

[nats]

(10-28-2012, 10:29 AM)Tangled Web Wrote: Another thought on this.........Don't you just wish sometimes that you had a safe person in life that it was ok to tell all your secrets too? That you didn't have to hide behind any masks or pretend that things were ok. That you felt that safety that they would never ever use anything you told them against you and you could call them up when you were having a hard time and they were allowed to hear your tears or anger or pain and they were just there for you. Don't you ever wish you had someone like that? Someone who could come over and just hold you when you cried and take care of you..........someone who could hold your hope for you when you feel you don't have the strength to hold it yourself.

sounds like what our mum's should have been but weren't. honestly can't imagine anyone like that in real life, but have heard other MM folks describe support people like that so they must exist somewhere. can imagine it would be nice..

[nats]

(10-28-2012, 10:13 AM)Tangled Web Wrote: ...she is always teling me that I need to find some people to be there for me and to let them help me when I am going through difficult times..

we've been told the same. i don't actually expect to find these mysterious saintly people.

[Tangled Web]

I would be that person for you nats if I lived closer to you , then it wouldn't have to be these mysterious saintly people you only hear about.
It would be nice to have to someone like that.

[nats]

(10-28-2012, 06:22 PM)Tangled Web Wrote: I would be that person for you nats if I lived closer to you , then it wouldn't have to be these mysterious saintly people you only hear about.
It would be nice to have to someone like that.

Seriously??! That is extremely kind and nice of you. maybe we can be mysterious and saintly support people for each other?

[Tangled Web]

That would be nice. I do think it is possible for people to have that in their lives, and I would be extremely honoured if I was able to be that person for you!

[Reilly]

Hi Tangled Web.
Thanks for your post. You expressed so beautifully how I feel and I am betting others feel too.
It would be so nice to have a friend who just understood and didn't judge. It is incredibly difficult and almost impossible to trust. Because of being let down in the past and trust concerns it is easy to become isolated.
I often wish there was a community center of sorts for multiples and their significant others. You'd be able to hang out there when you don't want to be alone and be surrounded by people who understand.
Having Mosaic Minds is a blessing. It helps to know we are not alone on this journey.
Thanks again.

[orek]

Arrrgh! I just wrote this long reply, then somehow lost it when I was almost done. Stupid new laptop.

I'll try again later. I'm too frustrated right now, just wanted you to know I tried.

[Tangled Web]

(10-29-2012, 11:31 PM)orek Wrote: Arrrgh! I just wrote this long reply, then somehow lost it when I was almost done. Stupid new laptop.

I'll try again later. I'm too frustrated right now, just wanted you to know I tried.

[Elizabethn]

In my experience in building a support system, what I've found is that it's possible to "design" it so that there are ways to get what I need from a lot of different sources. It all depends on the different needs.

In the bad old days when I was doing therapy work 24/7, I built two lists of people I could call any time. There was the short list for real crisis stuff, the one where my T was at the top of the list. Then there was the "coping" list of people I could call and just kind of chat with.....Well, I mean, it certainly wasn't just "small talk," but it included people like "safe" relatives that I generally only communicated with by phone due to distance, old friends in other locations, a few people I might visit with from church, etc.
That second list was about getting grounded, hearing other people's voices so I could get my feet back in the present and stuff. Very few of them ever heard much about my emotional turmoil and would have no idea that they were providing more than plain old conversation :-).

Another thing I eventually did--but this took a LOT longer to get brave and try out--was to get involved in IRL interest groups. I took a class here and there, went to a concert or poetry reading once in a while. The key was that I HAD to have some human interaction. I am a diehard extravert, and if I isolate myself because I'm in misery, I get into worse misery in a hurry.

Having support almost never meant that the supportive people got the whole brunt of my inner turmoil. I have never been someone who was really obvious about switching and stuff, so if you didn't know what you were looking for, you didn't see it. There were some exceptions in really hairy crises, but not many.

Nowadays I get much, if not most, of my support online, and I keep IRL in the realm of "having a life." But I do have a couple of people around, in addition to my T and Mr. EN, who know that things are rarely what they seem. I don't seem to need as much of that any more, at least not at the moment. Thank heavens. I don't feel like this bottomless pit of need any more.

[nats]

(10-28-2012, 06:45 PM)Tangled Web Wrote: That would be nice. I do think it is possible for people to have that in their lives, and I would be extremely honoured if I was able to be that person for you!

it would be an honour for us too TW