I need a nice, loving, kind vacation from life

[WendyLee]

I have never had a healthy adult relationship and it sounds lovely. If I took a vacation I would want to go where there were lots of nice kind ppl and lots of hugs. That would be sooo different than the ice cold world that I know and dread.

[WendyLee]

Even as a child we had no one who loved us.

I had always hoped and wished and dreamed that if I was a good girl and followed the orders from childhood, to be a nice girl and help ppl, to sit still, and to always try to do my frugal best...... that I, that WE would find our loving Prince or Princess Charming with their kind and accepting family who would give us hugs and love and kindness.

Where does one find that?

Is there a secret that we do not know about and no one will tell us?

What can we do differently?

we are so tired of trying so hard for so long to try to figure this out.

we are sicke and tired of horrible therapists and doctors and nurses and medical people in general.

I tossed all of my psych books since they are for the singlets.

we do NOT want to write our story and bring up the horrible horrible past, and find out new horrors in this horrible life. horrible

when does it get better?

what is the point of 56 years of trying? of multiples of 56 years of trying?

what is the point of being a nice person when one gets used, abused, and tossed out with the trash?

why is my life getting worse when I am trying so hard to make it better?

[WendyLee]

I reread my post and the statement popped out at me...'where does one find that?'

ONE being the word that popped out. it was meant in the context of 'a person', but we are not that.

so still, the dilemma, enigma.....chaos, abyss...blah blah blah

nothing

[Tangled Web]

I have asked those very same questions more than once in my lifetime and still do at times. I know how discouraging it can feel when you are trying so hard to make your life better and all it seems to be getting is worse. All I can say is that it does get better and it does get worse. BUT there are times when the better really does out weigh the bad.

You need to start from within.....I know that is so much easier said than done, but I have learned that it is very true. I started with giving myself permission to grieve.......we lost so much in our lives and so many things have be taken from us that we can never ever get back, but what we can get back eventually is piece of mind and inner strength.

Taking a vacation from your life......that is a wonderful idea. I have done that.....I have created this wonderful world and just took a break.....a break from everything and it proved to me that I can indeed feel happiness........even if it was fake......Or maybe just a glimmer, I felt it and that gives me hope that I am able to feel genuine happiness, true happiness and I believe that I will find that one day in my life.
So I am sending you a rainibow far up in the sky with the tip of it lightly touching the big fluffy clouds that you can drift away on to your own happiness!

Emma

[MakersDozn]

We used to be able to take that kind of "vacation." We can't anymore.

Charity and others

[Tangled Web]

How come?
TW

[nats]

we always found those mini life vacations by dreaming - dreams always seemed so much better and more understandable than this world. this world still seems very much about the haves and have nots when it comes to love.

[WendyLee]

We have been a loner and a day-dreamer for far too long, wishing and hoping ppl would come and fill our gaping hole of need.

We need and crave the hugs and unconditional love that we have never had.

We cannot find it in this location so we need to move to where there are lots of options to meet nice, caring ppl. but we hate to have to weed out the baddies...

[MakersDozn]

(07-01-2012, 08:35 PM)Tangled Web Wrote: How come?
TW

Because we don't dissociate like we used to.

Our inner world was a refuge to us. We know too much about the realities of life--and of *our* life--to be able to escape to our inner world as we did before.

The only way we could escape to the inside is by ignoring the outside. And to ignore the outside is to ignore signals that tell us what we need to do to stay safe. If we want to stay safe, we have to stay on the outside and be aware of it at all times.

Charity and others

PS: It's ironic. The inside used to be a place of safety. Now, remaining on the outside at all times is the only way to stay safe.

[Tangled Web]

Yes that is ironic, but I guess you can say it is also growth.......you gave me some things to think about......
Tangled

[MakersDozn]

Yes, it is growth, TW. I have to remember to be grateful for that. And I can take some sort of comfort in the fact that I'm far more aware of what I/we need to do to stay safe than I was before.

I still miss the inside, though. It was our home. It still is, in a way, but it's more remote.

Take care,

Charity

[orek]

Nice to meet you, WendyLee. Do you have a good therapist? I know that isn't always easy to find or pay for, but those would be very good questions to work through with a therapist who can help dig down deep and deal with all the pain so that you can heal and start to see hope for answers to those questions.--orek

[WendyLee]

orek, that is a good point. a few months ago we tried to get a local therapist who would come to our house, but their communication in-house and with me was terrible and 2 different therapists did not show up and did not call to say the were not coming and one lied 3 different times about why she did not show up. this was just a couple of months ago and it still hurts.

there are other therapy options locally but since we plan to move in a few months we do not want to start with anyone new. we have tried to use many local therapists in the past but found they had no idea what to do with us and we were actually worse off for having seen them.

we are looking forward to moving to a city soon where there is a psych hospital/college and getting a therapist there. We want to try to go to lots of different groups there like glbt, meetups, singing, VA PTSD daily group therapy, VA volunteering, AA, NA, metaphysics groups, maybe the Unitarian or Unity Church. BUT city life has its own nasty and horrible forms of stress for us - too much traffic, crowds, loud noises, bad ppl, criminals and high costs, so we are really hating the idea, too. *sigh* catch 22...