Birthdays

[The People]

My birthday is coming up. Doesn't matter what day because I hate it for such complex reasons;

Today I got a gift from friends when I went over to walk the dog. Waiting fir me was a bottle of wine. And a hand scratched card. My guess is that they remembered that it was my birthday when I said I was walking the dogs. I do this often because I love them and one won't be around for much longer.

A fuckig bottle of wine that was probably pulled from the basement. My sister was upset that she didn't have a lot to spend on me. She has probably 1/6th of an income that they do if that. Maybe 1/10th. I other it wasn't the size of the gift but the size of the thought that counts. Tjis gift had no thought.

Wife got home just as I was leaving. I had hoped to avoid that and spent less time with my puppies than usual as a result.

My T tries to tell me that people have different ways of looking at things. There is that 5indications of love thing. Gift of time. Gift of thought. Unexpected gift... 2 more. I already have the Christmas gift for these people.

They always time for their other friends but I am just the dog sitter. Even if that is the case... they could even have gone down the street and bought me a book store gift card as they know how much Ilove to read. The wine means nothing. Yes I will drink it but... sh*t.

My birthday is so hard. So many dark times attached to it. To acknowledge it so passively from these people whosay they will always be there for me... Just hurts.

[nats]

i know you talk about these people, but seems like your heart relationship is with the dogs not the people. the people sound uninterested and unengaged, not like actual friends. we have these kinds of 'friends' too. if they even notice that we have a birthday and bother with any kind of gift its a miracle. same goes for the FOO. with people like you're describing, we are not in their lives because they care about us.

[The People]

Tonight he changed my tires. Then I had supper with them and we watched a movie. Of course I walked the dogs in between but I offered and they were assuming as soon as I showed up. We had a nice, friendly evening.

I think I expect more from them than they have time to give. I think they truly care about me but I am not their first priority.

One thing I am aware of and have noticed for years. I always want what other people have when it comes to friendship. Like Grey and the Asian Canadian doctors on Grey' Anatomy or Rizzoli and Isles. I have never had a best friend. I used to have lots of friends but none that looked at me as a BFF. Many turned on me. Some I created and others were just s crazy as me. I have a friend that I like but she has a life and while I don't view us as being as close as she does she is nice.

This week was hard and we gave T a hard time. What we know is that Grey is a big part of this rough week. She is 17 and wants a relationship. We don't do those.

[nats]

that makes sense. we try not to expect more than others' can provide but it's hard. any kind of relationship is hard unless we're watching it on tv. then it looks easy..

[The People]

Haha! Exactly Nats!