Lonely and Painful

[VioletPeach]

I hurt so much (chronic physical pain conditions) and am so lonely. I feel like a different species. Big groups of people make me terribly anxious, I think my therapist is the only one who truly understands me, and I cannot think of a good reason why I survived. My heart is...broken in so many ways. Beautiful things hurt, thoughts of my empty future hurt, my mother's dismissal of my condition hurts, my inner world hurts, the nightmares that break through my beta blockers hurt, the new memories that come with horrifying screaming. The constant Protector that has to watch everything and the compulsive need to carry a taser and a knife. Feeling like there are cameras everywhere. Still trying to block out the sounds of yelling in the house I live in and life as a permanent patient. The exhaustion that comes from so much physical pain and mental consternation. Our inability to understand the "normals" surrounding us. The idea of trust feeling so foreign and impossible. I'm so worn out. So lonely.

~Violet

[nats]

hi Violet,
it sounds really hard. hopefully, having internet access helps a bit in being able to reach out and communicate with people. are there any local groups nearby that you could participate in (e.g. hobbies, support) or does the pain keep you pretty much at home?

[Cammy]

Hi Violet - I am so grieved that you are still existing in a situation that is continuing to traumatize you. That is a tough place to be in. Your multiplicity is protecting you as much as it can, but still you are having a lot of breakthrough issues like the night mares and anxiety and trust issues. I empathize. I too live with my perpetrator, but she is now old and I care for her. You seem to still be living inside the eye of a hurricane. Like People suggested to you earlier, the hope is that somehow you will be able to extricate yourself from the whole situation and be able to start a little bit of healing. I realize that financially this is not practical for you at this time, but it is a thought for the future, yes? In the meantime, please keep posting here. We will always support you, understand you, and offer whatever suggestions we can. I too live with chronic pain, so I can understand that issue. We have many people here that also live with chronic pain, like DragonFairy, so there is plenty of understanding on that issue. Now that you have joined Mosaic Minds, you need never feel alone again. You now belong to a community of unique people who share who and what you are. Rare as this disorder is supposed to be, this is the one place where you will find others of your own kind.

I am sending you warm, comforting and protective thoughts along with a giant comforter to wrap yourself in and comfort your soul and your physical pain. We are here for you Violet.

Warmest regards . . . Igraine

[VioletPeach]

Hi nats, I tend to be on my own most of the time, but am trying to cultivate a few friendships. I can't tolerate being around groups largely made up of groups of "normals" because I walk around lying. I can't do it anymore. The internet does make a bit difference. I'm trying to find a few friends with other issues who can relate to me better. It's not too terribly difficult to find people who are bipolar and they can at least understand depression and mood issues.

Hi Igraine, I've decided to try Guided Meditation to try to deal with some things here at home. I appreciate the support here. It is the kindest place that I've found online.

Thank you to both of you.

~Violet

[Cammy]

Violet: Guided Meditation or Mindful Meditation is an excellent coping tool. You will hopefully get some real relief from it, but as you well know, it can take a little time to be effective. In the meantime, you know where to come to talk to people who understand your brokenness and emptiness and multiplicity and your physical and emotional pain. You are so very, very welcome and a wonderful addition to our online community.

[VioletPeach]

You are very dear.

~Violet

[Cammy]

Violet: Thank you for the lovely compliment, but let's face it we all need each other here. There's very few places we all can go and be understood.