? re meds

[The People]

My family doctor wants me to try meds again. For the last several years I have just been on antianxiety because the AD sh*t never works. But I told him I would discuss it with my PDoc tomorrow. The issue there is that she has no DID experience. Nobody in this city has any.

I have a history with meds that goes back to the mid-eighties when my dx was BPD. Noting ever worked long term. I might get 3 months out of something and then I would fall further down the rabbit hole than I had been prior to taking the meds. As well, most often I would gain weight. I was on 3 different antipsychotics. 1 I gained about 60 pounds and it was hell (Mellaril don't ever go there) one where I developed breathing difficulties to the point where walking a block was painful. This was at a tie when I was ever so much more physically active. I don't remember the third but the PDoc of the time was a f*ck*ng nutcase. She told me to take 25-75mg. On 25 I could sleep 24 hours and wake up feeling dead.

I have been on so many meds I have lost track of the names. Since coming off the last one over 5 years ago I wouldn't try anything else. But I am in a really dark place. I have no happy place.

[Silent Society]

Sorry about your dark place and no happy. Wishing you a measure of peace.

[The People]

Thanks Silent Society.

[Cammy]

The last Pdoc I saw was about 4 years ago and he was the best Pdoc I have ever encountered. He was no-nonsense, anti-drug, and I totally liked his approach. He ended taking me off of all of my anti-depressants which I had been on for decades, and weaned me off of benzos the proper way (over a 13 month period). I have truly never really looked back, and to date have pretty much held my own using benzos occasionally for anxiety/panic. Still, there are times when I wish I could just be on something to keep the anxiety at bay when I hit a bad streak of it. I've had a lifetime of severe depression since I was a child, and I can honestly say that I would rather be depressed than have non-stop anxiety. Of the two, I find depression to be more 'humane', if that's any kind of way to describe it. Keep in mind that my depression has caused a dozen hospitalizations, one to ICU (if you get my point), so I am not talking about just feeling sad, and I still would pick depression over anxiety. One med that does seem to be a little bit useful for me every now and again, and doesn't seem to impair me too horribly is Mirtazepine (Remeron). It has switched major uses from an antidepressant to an anti anxiety drug, and stuff in between. I kind of use it for a bit of both. I fully realize that most of these drugs are meant to be used over a longer period of time for them to be useful, but I use Remeron for only three or four days until the worst of the episode is over. Lately I've gained more use from my own resources, such as mindful meditation and taking my own CBT courses either online or via my own little workbook, that my need for long term meds has diminished with time.

I think that time and experience teaches us what to do for ourselves individually, and what might work for me might not be ideal for someone else. All in all, however, I do not believe in suffering in perpetuity, and when things get to where the depression or anxiety just goes on and on and on, then I do think it is time for exploring medication as an option to help get to where we can handle getting through the very rough patches. To decide on what medication is best, I believe is often up to the experienced patient. You yourself know you best People - you are the biggest expert on You than any Pdoc or T out there. I believe that we all know when we have arrived at the point where some sort of chemical intervention is necessary, and we usually have a pretty good idea of what type/class of drug is going to help us the most. I generally go to my doctor and just tell him what I want in terms of the class of drug. He will make a few suggestions, and I will select which one I feel is best for me based on past experience with these drugs. I never find it necessary to stay on them very long these days. Once I start rising up through the layers of darkness in the Abyss, and see some glimmer of light above me, I know that it is time to start tapering off of the medication. It is very important to not start or quit any of these drugs without medical supervision or else you may be in for nasty surprises. Other than that, I've found that living without being 100% on psychotropic meds while relying on 'as needed' meds here and there is how I manage to survive ME these days.

I always find it distressing when a fellow D.I.D. comrade is saying that they are in a continual state of distress and not getting much relief. This is when I alway suggest that they explore the possibility of finding a psychotropic medication that they can use for a few months to give them a reprieve. Sometimes we need a holiday from ourselves - boy do we EVER. Your experience and your intelligence will ultimately guide you to chose the drug that is best suited for you in terms of efficacy, tolerance, and with the least amount of undesireable side effects. For those medications that seem to start off with a lot of unwanted side effects, experience shows us that the best thing to do is to simply hang in there and allow the body time to adjust. These side effects often fade out after a little while, and prove to be quite worthwhile when given a chance and a little patience. If not, then you can always revisit things like dosage adjustments or adding another drug for a short amount of time.

I hope that you feel better soon, and that you find medication that agrees with you if you need it. There is no reason to suffer, and suffer, and suffer.... it doesn't make sense when there is something out there that can help you over the bad bumps in the short term (by short term I mean 3 to 6 months). It is also important to allow yourself to taper off of these medications, even when your doctor says that you can stop suddenly. I have learned it is never a good idea to stop suddenly, and my last Pdoc was stringently against sudden stoppage. Thanks to this little rule I have for myself, I have never suffered major crashes after ceasing medication.

Feel better soon. I'm sending you a big bouquet of your favourite flowers and a friendly cyber hug.