Can't forgive T

[Tangled Web]

Recently our T said something to us in a session that in our opinion was very careless and hurtful.

She told us that she probably couldn't have done any better of a job than old social worker we had when we still lived at home with the parents.

She knows the history there-but had forgotten or something.
This old SW didn't take me out of the home, didn't save me, did harm to us. At one point he told the dad that he thought there were only 3 possible outcomes that could come from this-they were that he would kick me out, we would run away or my dad would end up killing us. Of course my dad threw him out of the house. No one was going to tell him how to raise his kids. We were thrown out of the house my the step-mother and moved in with a friend from school and her father. I had told our SW that the friend's father had started to touch us and his advice to us was to try to stay away from him. Later when the SW took a hiatus from being a SW he wanted to date me and have me as his girlfriend. Oh list goes on and on and on.
And she tells us she didn't think she could have done any better than him! My younger sister was taken out of the house and saved. She became crown ward. (of course she had a different SW)

Now she (our T) has apologized for this a couple of times-but we can't let it go. We can't get passed it. Don't know how. Don't know why, just can't.
The thoughts are-she would have just left us there in that house to rot...... to be repeatedly abused because there was nothing she could of done. What are we supposed to do with that?

[mosaic]

im sorry the T made such a thoughtless statement. it does make things really complicated for you. i hope you can continue to talk with her about what that statement means to you and that she will let you talk about it as much as you need to. it's so awful when the system let you down so badly - it makes it doubly difficult to trust anyone

[Tangled Web]

Thank you mosaic

[The People]

I am very sorry that such a thoughtless statement was made. While she has apologized has she explained what she really meant by the statement? Surely she would have seen the mistakes made by the SW. And I don't understand why you and your sister had different SWs. T is wrong. Things should have been better. SW

You made it anyway. Yes you have scars and a lot to work through. However, you recognize that things were not your fault and this is huge. I hope this extra trip on your path, the one caused by T can be rectified so you can move forward again. Ts are human. They make mistakes. Some small, some unforgivable. Most are somewhere in between. I don't know how old you were when the SW went into your home. I am in my 50s and I don't even think there were social workers in our town. Their guidelines were much more limiting. The social worker was a fool if he thought someone could bully your Dad into pulling up his fatherly socks.

But I really think you need T to explain what she meant prior to moving any further. What did she mean? Why did she feel that she couldn't have done any better? Ask those questions, even if you have to put them in a letter. That is some pretty heavy secondary wounding.

[Tangled Web]

She has tried to explain that in the late 70's and early 80's the laws were different. She has said that she was over thinking it, she said that she probably would of followed-up more with me but there probably wasn't much more she could of done. It just feels like the more this is discussed with her she just keeps burying us further.
I know she can't change the laws and that isn't on her-but when we are in the middle of it-that can't be separated. All we hear is that she would of left us there!
And that causes so much hurt that runs very deep that we can't get past.

Our sister had a different SW because we were already gone and she had stopped eating and became anorexic. I also think our SW had moved offices so that put him in a different region.

[The People]

Can I make a suggestion? Whether you follow through is up to you. On your own do some research on how the rules have changed between then and now. Perhaps you could find a social worker who was from then. Someone who was frustrated by the system that offered no guidelines.

In my hometown... there are no words. I don't ever remember hearing a social worker stepping into one home until long after I moved away. The cops were starting to go into the schools to educate the kids and a girl from a family that I knew turned her father in. Most likely he got 6 months. And that was in the 80s. Those were hard times. Remember, there were animal protection laws long before there were any to protect children. The first child removed from hell was freed with the help of a social worker who used the 'prevention of cruelty to animals act.' I don't know how long ago that was. Not long enough Kids were property and no matter how bad things were people minded their own business.

There is an animal society here in Alberta. In their commercials they talked about how it was once a place for kids as well as pets. I don't know if the rules have changed in England but as recently as 10 years ago the animal welfare people would remove an animal from a home because people were unfit to look after it. Small children would be left behind.

Gotta run. will be back later. I understand your hurt but perhaps some homework would help you understand how much social workers hands were tied. Even today it is hard. On several occasions in the early 90s I was put in a position where I reported abusive parents. In most cases the child was interviewed in front of the parent and nothing happened. In one case I went to court and the pukey lawyer tried to make it out to be me who had the issues. Didn't work. I think Gabriel was out and he explained that our childhood made us more aware, not overly sensitive. Mom got 6 months probation but that did lead to eventual removal of the kids when she stepped out of line again. The rights of children has moved forward sooooo slowly. A dog is more important than a child? I love dogs but if I had to choose between saving a dog and saving a child... the child would always win.

[Tangled Web]

My T was a social worker back in those times and the laws changed in the late 80's. She went back to school and got her masters so she could be a T and get out of the field awhile ago. I already know and have the information of what is different now than back then. It doesn't change anything. Thanks for the suggestion though.
We were institutionalized when we were 12-13 because the step mother thought we were crazy after we watched our step-brother die(motorcycle accident)-didn't know at that time that what was happening to us was wrong. We thought it was "normal" We had to see this social worker and were answering her questions one day and told her some things that led to us meeting another social worker from F&CS who did a home investigation--this was how we met this SW that caused so much damaged. Needless to say after that the step-mother pulled us from there and brought us home again. Speaking the truth and telling the secrets was completely forbidden-what happened behind closed doors was suppose to stay there.

Saying sorry and hearing that from T just doesn't cut it........How do we trust and keep a connection with someone after they tell you they probably couldn't have done any better????????????? especially after all the times she has convinced many of the younger ones that she would of protected them. Then to hear those words fall out of her mouth..........it is just unbelievable the amount of devastation it has caused.

[nats]

so sorry TW. sounds like her words triggered someone - maybe the idea that even current T would have abandoned you back there. seems like there is more than one issue here, i.e. the feelings that have been triggered about what you went through and nobody helping and the feelings about now and your relationship with T. could be that T said something stupid without thinking through that it might bring up all sorts of past stuff for you guys. Ts can say stupid things sometimes. truth is, she might not have been able to get you out even if she'd tried really hard to do so. we'll never know.

hang in there and be gentle with yourselves. lots of stuff has been stirred up and maybe it's necessary to just sit with it for awhile. sitting with you if you want..

[Tangled Web]

Thanks nats. You are right there is a lot more than just one issue here. And I can't for life of me separate anything it just runs way too deep.
Thanks for sitting with us......it means alot

[FreyasSpirit]

It's frustrating how time Ts need to create at least 10 positive interactions for every bad interaction. Even if they have done this in the past, they need to continue to do this in the future. The end result is that if a therapist is doing active harm in one small area, it can be magnified and just bringing it up once in a session can destroy the sense of safety you are supposed to feel and at best, leave you no better off when you leave than when you came in.

It sounds like you are trying to process this and unwind all the strands of various traumas which contribute to this. Your T seems to be at best unhelpful, at worst, actively harmful to your processing here. Just because your T has been wonderful and helpful on the last dozen (or hundred) issues you have brought to her does not mean that she will be helpful on the next. For this, is sounds like it may be helpful to stop seeing your T for a while so you can sort this out yourself. This could allow you to unwind the threads without having to fear your T saying something harmful and could also give your T time to think about how what she is saying is affecting you.

[The People]

It is different, for me at least, to read something on paper than to hear it from someone we have developed trust issues with. I will not push it further. As well, there are things that we just aren't ready to hear sometimes. Did she say she couldn't do things differently or wouldn't?

Over 30 years ago I worked at a daycare. I was only there for 3 months but recognized from the beginning that one of the girls needed help. I was the one who called SS although she had been there for 2 years. The boss was a twit and at that time anyone could be hired was willing to work for nothing. There were no guidelines. I didn't even receive any when I got my B.Ed. The phone call was gut instinct. A few decades later I was forced into similar situations. Not much had changed.

How was your relationship with this woman before she made that statement? Is this just 1 more thing? Have had Ts where that was the case and I had Ts where it just seemed like a good time to be angry. I am glad you are sorting out your feelings before you walk away rather than after. Trust is so sacred.

[Tangled Web]

FreyasSpirit-Thanks for your response. We aren't ready to throw in the towel on this T, although we have thought about it-but that would be us just running, not because she did something. In the past when we feel betrayed and trust has been broken or we get hurt by someone, we shut them out of our life-they no longer exist to us. Mind you it has to be pretty huge, and this feels pretty big to us but as nats pointed out (which was extremely helpful-we were triggered) A lot of the stuff that comes up doesn't really belong on her.

The People-She is a very kind, gentle woman. I understand what you are saying about it being just one more thing added to a never ending list of things........this is not like that. We also have had T's like that. She screwed up and she knows she did.........It hurt and we have NEVER done well with handling hurt. It is very hard to process and sort through things. I am starting to be in a better place but the others inside are not, chaos has broke out inside. She knows she has damaged our relationship........I want to say I don't think she did this on purpose but I still have doubts.......Trust is a very sacred thing and so easily broken.

[MakersDozn]

TW, we hear you, and we're sorry that you're hurting.

MDs

[argent]

I hope you get to a place where it sorts itself out. It can take some time, be gentle with yourself. You sound like you know what you want to do about it. Wishing you strength and patience, if you want it.

[Cammy]

There is a saying among artists and tattoo artists - "You are only as good as your worst piece of work". So here we have a situation where this T has probably done a lot of 'good work' for you, but now that this has happened, all you can focus on is the 'worst piece of work'. I operate the same way: Once someone has traumatized me whether on purpose or not, it just seems to wipe out any positive affiliation that I may have experienced with that person. It is SO hard to get past something like this once you've been triggered in this fashion. It is like firing a gun, and then trying to get the bullet to go back into the chamber - nope, sorry, too late, the gun is now fired.

For me, I just try to let the bad feelings have their say, I vent, I write about it, I walk around and rant to myself. Eventually, most of the time, things start to fade a bit and settle down. IF the person does not re-traumatize me, and IF they are made to understand what they have done to me and apologize sincerely, I am often able to move forward, albeit cautiously. I am not in any way suggesting this is what you should do, or how you should handle it, I am just sharing similar experiences and how I have dealt with it.

You've been terribly wounded and triggered, and for very, very good reason. I hope that you are able to find a way through open honest dialogue to resolve this for yourself or perhaps to just find a different T (a trauma in itself) if these feelings just won't let go in relation to this person.

In any event, I am wishing you a good outcome and sending you vibes of peace and calmness. I hope that the pain of this settles down for you and that you can move forward in whatever way that works best for you. I am so sorry that this had to happen. Having D.I.D. means that the world is full of mine fields for us - much of it in the form of thoughtless words spoken by people during moments of not thinking before speaking.