Acceptance and Moving Forward

[MakersDozn]

In the thread about connecting in the singleton world, rainbows said something that we think is very important: that no matter what we experience as survivors, we keep moving forward.

In our case, we struggle with acceptance, which we know is a key to healing. Twelve-step programs and other support groups point out that acceptance is necessary to moving forward. But it's still difficult. We/MDs continue to want things that we can't have--parents that fully meet our basic needs, and a "do-over" for a happy childhood. The very young, very hurt part of us is simply not ready to let these needs go.

Can anyone identify with this kind of struggle? Or similar struggle? How do you work toward acceptance, especially when it's difficult to do so?

MDs

[nats]

we hate acceptance. to us it feels like giving up (e.g. i accept that i'll never be an olympic athlete and most of us don't care, but some of us still insist as stubborn as ever that acknowledging our total lack of sporting talent and accepting that our interests anyway lie elsewhere is equivalent to 'giving up'). every process of acceptance feels like giving up/giving in and some of us tend to resist passionately even when it's in all of our best interests. frustrating...

[MakersDozn]

Yes, we feel the same way. We also feel as if acceptance equals dismissing the validity of our pain, as if the pain never existed. As if we never felt hurt or experienced what hurt us. And this in turn feels as if we're invalid as people.

We have a great deal of difficulty separating our sense of self from our concept of other people. An infant sees the caregiver as an extension of him/herself. If the caregiver meets the infant's needs, the infant thrives and develops a healthy sense of self, gradually letting go of the perception of the caregiver as an extension of self. The child becomes his or her own person.

This never happened with us. At least it feels this way.

Charity

[Cammy]

i am struggling mightily with acceptance right now. The struggle is system-wide, from my littles all the way through to my 'NOW' host self. After some terrible setbacks, i have intellectually come to realize that without acceptance I will remain quite stuck in our present state. So, slowly, I am taking small bits of the past and working to accept the smaller, easier pieces. I just cannot en masse get myself to accept what has happened...it's too much. Part of acceptance for me involves the feeling that by letting go i am somehow invalidating the experience and thereby betraying myself. This feeling is the hardest part of acceptance for me. I have had to find a way to accept the past and particular instances and specific perpetrators, and just accept and let it go without allowing myself to feel like this means it never happened or like it doesn't matter. It will always matter, but I see now that if I don't accept/let go, I am continuing to hurt myself, and I do not want anyone or anything to have that kind of power over me anymore. It is a process and by working on the smaller bits, I am hoping that eventually I will possess the skill and personal strength to work with the bigger stuff.

[Tangled Web]

We don't like the word the acceptance for ALL the reasons everyone has listed above. It is like we are expecting to be turned into a door mat and just lay down and take what ever gets dumped on us and that is not an option for us.
For us we take a different approach than looking at things as something to accept or acceptance of things. Accept means to -agree to receive or do (something offered or proposed)., regard favourably, believe or receive as valid or correct, admit responsibility for, put up with. (Oxford dictionary). We can't accept what was done to us, but we can believe what was done which is a synonym of accept. No wonder people have such hard time with this word acceptance. None of it really applies or IMO helps with the healing process, except for the word believe-so that is the word we use instead of acceptance. Nothing else fits. We also focus more on the word choice and what things we chose to do as a child and what things we chose not to do or had no choice in. Acceptance is never in the equation.
Savannah

[MakersDozn]

Hello,

Thank you, Igraine and Savannah. We agree with what each of you wrote.

Our system has reached a point where, having seemingly exhausted all other options, is having ongoing discussion among the adults, myself included. None of the five us is comfortable functioning in the outside world; this is an undeniable truth. But we are beginning to realize how critical it is to do what we can do, and do it as consistently as possible, and put our collective well-being ahead of mundane discomfort.

This is not to deny the significance of anyone's pain. But if we work consistently in small ways, we minimize the likelihood of being impacted by severe distress.

Drew

[indilee7]

We go back and forth between acceptance and complete denial. Sometimes there's a mix of the two. Acceptance of how we were raised and what our purpose in life is because of the abuse can be frightening. Plus there is the isolation in daily living with the assistance of a therapist. Does this get better? That's where denial comes in. Thankfully, my wise parts help with knowing that there's others in the world with DID. But that only goes so far.
Hoping one day I will find a purpose and achieve some sort of acceptance.

[nats]

it does get better and you will get there if you keep pushing yourself forward. it's hard though, no doubt about that.

[MakersDozn]

It's nice to meet you, indilee.

Charity and others

[indilee7]

Hello Charity and others! Nice to meet you. I am new here though not new to the complex topic of acceptance. My therapist says accepting ourselves without judgment is essential. Definitely much easier than it sounds.

[The People]

I remember when my parents d*ed over 10 years apart. As we worked throough the issues we recognized that by and large we mourned exactly what you have said. Their illness (well more illness) ad subsequent death meant that we would never have the parenting that we viewed in other parent child relationships

We did 2 things that helped. We looked at the gifts that we got from them. For example we are grateful that we inherited our mother's intelligence and our father's extroversion. As my mother was an anxious introvert and my father was not very bright I gasp when I think about the me that would have been had things been the reverse. My mother loved to read and allowed me to live in books. That was a gift in itself as it was my greatest escape. Some of the child alters are somewhat fashioned after story books we read in the early years.

They did give us gifts. Their best was not nearly good enough but imagine how it would be without those gifts.

[The People]

A thought

[The People]

Sorry. Didn't know it would be so big. Tried to remove it but it didn't work.

[nats]

so true! it's a good way of looking at it People.

[MakersDozn]

Cool image, and cool thought!

MDs